Dating a grandparent can be fantastic. Playing the role of Grandma's new boyfriend, though, can also be complicated. And, a grandparent’s dating life can affect adult children and grandchildren in substantial ways says Nancy D. O'Reilly, PsyD, a clinical psychologist with 25-plus years of experience.
“If you’re dating a grandparent, you may be immediately placed into a family structure and must learn to fit in,” she says. “And, the grandchildren may be tentative with you, especially if they haven’t had a lot of time to get to know you.”
To stay a step ahead of potential snags, take cues from the grandfather you’re dating, suggests Susan Shapiro Barash, author of Second Wives: The Pitfalls and Rewards of Marrying Widowers and Divorced Men. “His perception of his grown children and their grandchildren counts greatly. If he says ‘don’t come to this event,’ respect and understand that your attendance is a sensitive issue. Wait until he thinks the time is right.”
Then, make the time to communicate. Even though this may seem like high school all over again, if you’re getting serious with someone, be speedy in getting the dispatch to your family. “If you’re widowed, it’s going to be more complicated because your late husband (the father or grandfather) is likely immortalized,” says Barash. “All the more reason to approach your adult children by saying ‘I know you’ll be happy to hear that I’ve had a few nice dinners with so-and-so. It’s less lonely for me although I’ll always miss your father/grandfather,’" she says. This way, when a family event crops up or it’s time to introduce this person, you’ve explained your position and delivered the message that you expect their approval.
If all goes well, you may consider marriage. If you're on that path, do what you can to become part of the family fold. One way to endear yourself? Pitch in. “Find ways to be a support,” suggest Emily Bouchard, a family coach, founder of Blended-families.com and a step grandmother of a 7-year-old, 1-year-old, and a nine-month-old. “One idea is to come over at a regularly-scheduled time to give the parents an outing or a break. I love doing this with my 6-year-old step-granddaughter. We play ‘white tornado’ and tackle the kitchen or whatever area of the house seems to need some extra attention. She loves the game and feels so good about contributing to making the house look great. And, I give her freedom to, say, wash the dishes in super-soapy water, for as long as she’d like while I clean up all around her," says Bouchard. The goal is to have a fun time with her step-granddaughter, she says, while also making a positive difference in her stepdaughter's life. But, she always asks her stepdaughter’s permission first.
"Ultimately, when it comes to grandparent/grandchild relations, the biggest challenge is for step-grandparents to view the relationship through the eyes of the grandchild,” says Donna Tonrey, PsyD, a marriage and family therapist who directs a clinical counseling program at La Salle University in Philadelphia. “Emotionally, children don’t discern the difference between a biological and a marital connection. They see the step-grandparents as grandparents. They want to be treated the same as the biological grandchildren. Too often the adults create different categories within the family and treat the step grandchildren differently. The responsibility lies within the adults to rise to the occasion and treat all grandchildren (step or otherwise) the same.”
4 Tips For Happy Step Grandparenting
Here, Grandparents.com's top four ways to get your relationship off to the best start:
1. Names Matter
Be up front with your step grandchildren when it comes to what they should call you. Depending on how old they are, offer them options. Say "Please call me Joan or Mrs. Smith or something fun,” suggests O’Reilly. “The grandchild will find a nickname sooner or later like Nana Joan or Papa George or something similar. You want to do what you can to make the grandchild feel as comfortable with you as possible.”
2. Reassure the Step Grandchild's Grandparents
Openly tell the biological grandparents that they’re not being replaced, nor will their involvement be compromised. “In fact, get to know one another,” says O’Reilly. “Remember that you all want what's best for these grandchildren.”
3. Patient Goes Far
Realize that it takes all of us time to feel comfortable with a new person. “Don’t try to rush things with your step grandchildren,” says O’Reilly. “It may feel sometimes like you’re taking one step forward and two steps back, but soon you will be making progress.”
4. Remain Emotionally Available
Listen to the kids and find out how they’re feeling. “Remember that this transition isn’t as easy as it looks,” says O’Reilly. “Let the children come to you. And when they do, be ready for them.”
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