How Can Grandparents Connect With Adolescents?

The day cheers of enthusiasm turned into shrugs of indifference. One grandmother seeks a strategy for reaching her pre-teen grandchildren

by Louise Sheehy

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This is the lament of a grandmother with pre-teen grandchildren. It wasn't always the way it is now. I've tried what I know to do in order to effect change. Let me tell you about it.

I’ve been through that wonderful period when the grandchildren were young and all gaga over me. They thought that Nana hung the moon. To them, I was the one with the cool ideas, fun games, amazing field trips, great gifts, delicious cookies, and endless stories.

Nana’s house was a fun house compared with theirs. Beds came out of the wall for sleepovers, sheets were silky smooth, and there was always toothpaste and maple syrup. Plus, Nana never ran out of toilet paper. I knew how to be with kids without bugging them all the time about good manners or bedtimes.

Then the change occurred. Seven-year-olds became 12-year-olds. And just like that, they entered the world of pre-teens.

Suddenly, my value as keeper of the family stories, photographs, and history had diminished. All those things I thought were so important to child development and family legacies no longer held much currency. Now I was just Mom’s mother. Someone to visit occasionally… not someone to be taken too seriously.

"Puh-lease don’t hang around when my friends are visiting," they'd say, in the next breath adding, "and while you’re at it, don’t go on about the past."

Not so long ago, these same grandchildren were the ones excited about a Martin Luther King, Jr. commemorative rally.

They were interested in being peace-builders in a world at war.

They asked good questions and showed compassion for less-fortunate people.

Today, an invitation to a rally is met with shrugs. They have more important business to tend to — at the mall or on their computers. Days of cooking together or creating party favors are history. Heading to the Y for a swim? They used to fight over who got to go.

Now nobody has the time or interest.

It’s different from when our own children were 12 or 13. We were parents then and had some control (real or perceived) over our children.

With grandchildren, the contract is not the same. We get to observe, interpret what’s going on, make judgments (that nobody wants to hear), anticipate results, and worry ourselves to death about what we see that their parents don’t.

I've tried reading startling articles from the newspapers and magazines to my grandchildren as a way to engage their interest. I've made mention of stories found on the evening news. Doesn't work.

I've shared flyers and brochures that come in the mail and tell distressing stories of the harsh conditions faced by children in Third World countries. The pictures alone can break your heart. But I can't and won't beat my grandchildren over the head to be compassionate, caring people.

I know it's not that they're heartless. They are not. Yours are not. It's that other interests appear to take priority in the pre-teen years.

This grandmother could use a good strategy! If the things you've tried with your pre-teen grandchildren have worked, use the comments area to share your ideas.