The myth: Because of the economic downturn, grandparents across the country are moving in with their adult children. I hear this over lunch, I hear it on TV, I hear it on the radio. And while it may sound logical, it’s not accurate.
The truth: Because of the economic downturn, adult children across the country are moving in with their parents — 62 percent of the more than 6 million multigenerational households in the United States were created by grown children moving in with their parents; in 50 percent of those cases, financial trouble was the main factor in the decision.
But don't we grandparents have even bigger money problems? Some of us do, of course, but many of us don’t. We grandparents still control more than three quarters of the nation’s wealth. We took less of a hit when the stock market tanked because our investments tended to be less risky, and we're less likely to have an upside-down mortgage or, for that matter, any mortgage at all. No wonder our grown children are moving back. According to our recent national study, The Grandparent Economy, grandparents are spending about $32 billion on their grandchildren’s education, $11 billion on clothes for the kids, $6 billion on toys, and nearly $700 million on diapers.
Built for family life
And while many observers assume that economy-driven multigenerational living is an emotionally traumatic hardship, that's another myth. The truth? Many grandparents tell us not only that they love having their family back under their roof; they also love being needed again. They say it brings purpose to their days, and meaning to their lives. The physical demand of keeping up with the kids makes them feel younger; outdoor play burns off both calories and tension; and helping with homework provides excellent mental stimulation.
There’s a lesson here. We humans are built for family life. In a crisis, or after a disaster, it’s always family that gets us through. Children must be fed, dressed, and taken to school, so we rally and we do it with a smile. In fact, studies have found that the more we act like everything is okay, the more we actually believe that everything is going to be okay. Family living forces us to have regular, face-to-face contact, which reduces isolation and wards off depression. The predictable routines of family life reduce stress; the act of nurturing, researchers have found, triggers innate biochemical stress-antidotes.
Grandparents make life better
Multigenerational living can have clear benefits for kids as well. They get to experience a "chain of love," learning that more than one adult can care for them, and seeing that if anything should happen to their parents, their grandparents will be there for them. Grandparents can help children get through illness and survive their parents' divorce. They can help when working couples can't get home for dinner or bedtime, and when single parents are overwhelmed. They can give kids the undivided attention that parents and siblings sometimes can't because of all the demands on their time.
| Have you ever lived with your grown children and grandkids? |
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We live together now and it's great 36.2%
We live together now and it's a challenge 35.1%
We've lived together temporarily 17.8%
We've never lived together but we could 6.9%
We've never lived together and I don't think we could 4.0%
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Even if a family doesn't have three generations under the same roof, the presence of grandparents in the lives of children can be critical. One of several similar studies of teen life found that adolescents who have daily contact with at least one grandparent are less likely to use recreational drugs. Why? Most likely because grandparents provide lots of conversation, encouragement, and problem-solving advice, and help kids stay focused on their future.
How to meld the generations
Don’t be fooled by stories that paint a picture of multigenerational living that features disgruntled grandparents, resentful parents, and disengaged kids. Multigenerational living is as old as human history, and reasserts itself whenever we face difficulties or disasters. We come together. We survive and thrive. Still, a few tips and tools can help things go more smoothly:
1. Make room. It’s not the amount of space that matters, it’s the respect for independence and privacy. Make sure all members of the family have a spot they can call their own where they won't be disturbed.
2. Make nice. Before you criticize or correct a family member, review in your mind all the things you love and appreciate about the person. Even better, do it out loud. To them! Thinking good things isn’t enough. Everyone needs positive as well as negative feedback. If you can’t offer both, hold your complaints until you can.
3. Make rules mutual. To live together, you have to agree about what you'll do when you disagree. So, make sure you have some rules about conflict resolution along with house rules about food, chores, and curfews. Some families hold regular meetings, others leave notes, but the bare minimum should be five minutes of direct, face-to-face contact to catch up each day.
4. Imagine you're making a movie. When things get tough, pretend that your family members are characters in a film you're writing. It will help you get some psychological distance and enough emotional breathing room to feel in control again. You may even get a laugh.
5. Treat your family like your friends. It sounds strange, at first, but think about it: You treat your friends with patience, you listen to what they have to say, you give them advice, and you give them the benefit of the doubt. Treat your family with as much consideration as you do your friends and multigenerational living will go much more smoothly.
6 comments so far...
| Good Day to all:
I am blessed with three beautiful granddaughters-6 1/2, 3 1/2 and another angel who will be one 8-15-09. My daughter became a widow due to the murder of her husband in April,2007. She choose to move out of the only home she knew in August, 2007. At the time I felt it was the very right thing; and I hated every minute of it because she is my only child and took my two granddaughters with her. I kept the relationship tight; saw the girls often and helped where needed.. In February, 2008, I got a call that she wanted to come home and that I was going to be a grandmother again. So in March, 2008 my daughter, her intended, and the two girls moved back in.. I so love having them home. It can be strange, my daughter is finishing nursing school; and her intended helps with all three girls. They will be married in May, 2010. I don't always feel comfortable with decisions made, but I just remember that they are a family unit; and I have a life. I feel blessed to have them so close; and watching the girls grow into fine young ladies. The blessing far out way any difficulties there could be. Each day I smile, offer prayers of thanksfullness, and enjoy each milestone in this journey of life.
Take a deep breath; and enjoy all God has given us...
Warm regards, and God's blessing to all,
Rose Marie....
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| If you're deeply involved with your grandchildren, whether they live with you or you take care of them for long hours or several times a week, please come and join us at Grandparents Caring for Grandkids. You can find it under the category of Grandparenting or on the list of Featured Groups. And yes, you can belong to both this group and Dr.Georgia's group mentioned above. In fact, you'd be surprised at the interesting variety of responses you can get when you post the same question or idea in 2 different groups :-)!
Fredigram (moderator, Grandparents Caring for Grandkids and The Family Storybook)
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| I'm happy to see so much positive talk on this subject. My son became a single father of 5 earlier this year. There were many decisions that had to be made. We concluded that moving in with my husband and I (we have 6 bedrooms) would be best. Childcare cost for 5 was off the chart! Needless to say, we were feeling abit desperate. We are blessed to work for companies that have allowed us to tweak hours to fill our needs. When these life changing events happened, many people were negitive. I told them love is not a burdon, it's a blessing!
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| Our daughter and her then 16-month-old granddaughter came to live with us in May, 2007. By no small miracle, they are still with us as daughter completes her college education, hopefully to be able to support herself and the grandbaby someday. My husband, though not blood-related to either, has fallen in love again with "his baby," our granddaughter. While it is not always any easy path, would say to anyone who asks, every effort made by ALL of us is well worth it.
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| I am glad to hear that we are not the only family that have had a child or children and grandchildren come back in our homes. My daughter divorced and came home with three children then 6 1/2, 1, and 2 months. It has been almost 2 yrs and we have been blessed. It has been a struggle but she about has it together and will be moving out. I know the noise get crazy at times but I wouldn't have changed a thing. I am happy and at the same time sad that they will be leaving. Only a grandparent could understand that feeling. Many Blessings to all the grandparents that are and have been in the same situation.
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