Laurie Dinerstein-Kurs is such a doting Jewish grandmother that her e-mail address includes bubbe, the Yiddish word for "grandmother." Dinerstein-Kurs, 60, and her husband Steven, 62, have ten grandchildren; seven from her daughter's family and three from her son's. They phone often, send many gifts, and rarely miss a school performance, sometimes traveling five hours from East Windsor, N.J., to their daughter's home in Baltimore to see a five-minute holiday skit. "Being the bubbe has been the most singular awesome experience of my life," she says.
Separated by a Common Religion
But maintaining a connection with her grandchildren isn't always easy for Dinerstein-Kurs: Her daughter and son-in-law are raising their children as strictly Orthodox Jews, which limits what the kids can do with their grandparents. Dinerstein-Kurs is one of many parents nationwide who are less devout than their children and, by extension, their grandchildren. She is also a founding member of a support group for Jewish parents called P.O.R.K., or Parents of Religious Kids. "My daughter makes this difficult situation bearable," she says. Still, the restrictions can be overwhelming.
Dinerstein-Kurs daughter's children attend single-sex, strictly-segregated Orthodox private schools, so she can only attend events at the girls' school; her husband can only attend events at the boys' school. And while the Dinerstein-Kurs, who are Conservative Jews, do follow kosher dietary rules, her daughter and son-in-law will not come to their home for the Jewish holidays. (Many Orthodox Jews do not travel during major holidays, and many will only eat in other homes that follow a particularly strict interpretation of kosher dietary laws.) "You sit around the table on a holiday and she’s not there," she says. "It's almost like a death." Further, the couple will not allow the children to go to their grandparents' home for a sleepover, in part because the grandparents aren't equipped to say all of the daily blessings an Orthodox family would normally say. "While I do my best to connect with them, there’s something to be said for having them one-on-one. I can't take them out for the day alone; no overnights, no babysitting, and no vacations. There’s so much I can’t do with and for the kids."
Bucking the Trend
Polls have shown that religion plays an increasingly smaller role in the lives of many Americans, says R. Stephen Warner, professor emeritus of Sociology at the University of Illinois. "There is also a counter-trend: The middle tends to be dropping out," he says. In other words, while there are more people dropping out of religion entirely, there are also more people who have become devout.
For example, the percentage of U.S. residents who were mainstream Protestants declined to about 25 percent in 2001 from 50 percent in 1950, while the percentage of Evangelical Christians jumped to 25 percent from 10 percent during the same period, says Barry Kosmin, the director of the Institute for the Study of Secularism in Society and Culture. Similarly, the percentage of American Jews who identified with the middle-of-the-road Conservative movement also dropped during the same period to 35 percent, from 50 percent. The percentage of American Jews who identified themselves as Orthodox rose to 10 percent from 5 percent; that group also accounts for a disproportionate 20 percent of all synagogue members today.
Challenges Across the Spectrum
Moderate Muslim Americans, Kosmin says, "are also shocked to find some grandchildren wearing lipstick and having boyfriends, while others are covering up." Mary Assel, 58, a moderate Muslim in Dearborn Heights, Mich., has grandchildren who have gone in both directions. Her daughter-in-law raises her three young children with an emphasis on religion — studying the Koran, following halal dietary laws, and dressing modestly — while her two daughters have assimilated their combined six children into mainstream American life.
When Assel and her husband, Ernie, 67, take all nine grandchildren to McDonalds, the six secular ones order hamburgers while the more-observant kids avoid the non-halal meat, and limit themselves to fries and yogurt. Assel's son has passed away and, she says, "If I don’t accept what my daughter-in-law does, I'll lose the children. I'm not going to let religion break the relationship between us."
Unlike some Jews and Muslims, Warner says, Christian grandparents find having more-devout grandchildren to be less of a challenge, partly because those children do not typically follow different rules of diet and modesty. However, he warns, tensions can arise if the more-devout grandchildren grow to show disrespect or scorn for their grandparents’ lifestyle. "Grandma and grandpa spent their lives doing it one way and would like to be respected,” Warner says.
Finding Middle Ground
Azriela Jaffe, author of What Do You Mean You Can’t Eat in My Home? (Shocken Books, 2006) and a once-secular Jew who is now raising her kids in the Orthodox tradition, offers these tips for grandparents facing these challenges:
• Food doesn’t have to be a divisive issue. Have your daughter or son bring their own food, or shop and cook with them. When all else fails, there’s kosher or halal take-out.
• When children can't or won’t come to your home on the holidays, go to them when possible, and make the most of other visits that aren't centered on holidays.
• Grandma’s pool club may be off limits, but child-friendly neighborhoods have plenty of other activities where modesty can be preserved. Make the effort to find alternatives.
• Participate in your grandkids’ school and religious events as much as you can. Praise them for their work and performances, even if you don’t quite accept what they're learning.
• Don’t make grandchildren choose between you and their religion in any way. You could very well lose. Keep complimenting your granddaughter’s long skirts, and keep showing the kids that you love them, and you’ll always be their grandparent.
For advice on reconciling with your grandchildren's parents, click here. Elsewhere on Grandparents.com, enter the discussion about who should set the rules when grandparents babysit, learn about how to get along with your daughter-in-law, and join the celebration of "mean moms."
3 comments so far...
Home
