'Twas the night before Christmas — and 5-year-old twins Caleb and Austen were tearing through the garage bouncing balls and bickering with one another. "You name it," says their grandfather, Ed Kazenko, 68, of Naples, Fla. At 9 pm the house fell silent; the boys were nestled, all snug in their beds, and, Kazenko says, "It was like someone had just shut off a loud stereo."
Is There a "Boys' Crisis"?
Boys will be boys, and have always been. But a number of educators, psychologists and authors believe that boys are made more rambunctious by the structure of the traditional classroom, which favors focused girls over antsy boys. As boys struggle to sit still, they fall behind girls academically, resent school more, and become even antsier. Many of today's classrooms are less formal than they were a generation ago — a plus for active boys. On the other hand, many schools have done away with recess to squeeze more academics into the school day, taking away the opportunity to cut loose that many boys need. Most families' home routines similarly work against boys, as parents demand that they do their homework quietly, and limit their playtime until their work is done.
"If they’ve been able to hold it together at school, they often go crazy at home. The pent-up energy is dying to get out," says Kathy Stevens, grandmother of seven and co-author of The Minds of Boys: Saving Our Sons From Falling Behind in School and Life (Jossey-Bass, 2005). Gone are the days when boys ran free in the neighborhood until dinner. Now, they're expected to buckle down to homework before being shuttled from one structured activity to the next.
Falling Behind in Class
Not all boys are unruly and not all girls are placid, but the stereotype has gained new credence in books like Peg Tyre's The Trouble with Boys (Crown, 2008) and Michael Thompson and Dan Kindlon's Raising Cain (Ballantine, 2000).
Some experts believe that three decades of government efforts to help close the achievement gap for girls may have swung the pendulum too far in the opposite direction, leaving boys alienated in their own classroom. For example, the writing level of an average 11th-grade boy today is about equal to that of an eighth-grade girl. In 2005, the most recent year for which statistics are available, boys averaged a high-school GPA of 2.86, versus 3.09 for girls. And the ratio of young women to men on college campuses is approaching 60 to 40. "Once we stopped sending girls to home economics," Dr. Thompson says, "they started outperforming boys by a significant margin."
Academics only tell part of the story — boys trail girls in other measures as well. Preschools expel boys 4.5 times more often than girls. And boys are diagnosed with an attention-deficit disorder four times more often than girls. "Boys are having difficulty moving through life in a smooth, positive manner like girls have been doing. It's not just a problem, but a crisis,” says Dr. William Pollack, director of the Centers for Men & Boys at Harvard Medical School’s McLean Hospital and author of Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons From the Myths of Boyhood (Owl, 1999).
When the Boys Are With You
John Benedict, 64, has four grandsons, from ages 2 to 6, and says that he sees boys struggle with the structure, pressure, and competitiveness of team sports. "Nathan is in kindergarten and doing hockey. That flabbergasts me," Benedict says. So when the boys visit his 120-acre farm in Culver, Ind., he pushes them in wheelbarrows, lets them ride tractors, takes them fishing, gives them big sticks to play with, and shows them how to skim stones on the lake. Once they've had some time to play outside, he says, "I can see them calming down."
| Are your grandsons out of control? |
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Yes, and we can't corral them 46.1%
Yes, but it's only natural 27.6%
No, they stay under control with us 26.3%
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Parents and grandparents walk a fine line when disciplining young boys; it's not easy to tell when boys are just overexcited because they've been cooped up in school all day, or when they're really being mischievous. "You can’t overstep your grounds as a grandparent,” says Rosemarie Kazenko, 64. But you also can't just let them race through the mall playing hide-and-seek in the clothing racks. Getting her grandsons to bed is always a challenge, she says, as is getting them to sit at the table to eat. "They're normal, active kids, but they’re always testing you," Kazenko says. "That's the frustration."
5 Tips for Harnessing Boys' Energy
* When you're watching your grandsons, give them some time to play outside with a ball, draw on the driveway with sidewalk chalk, or dig for worms with a shovel — anything to let them burn off some energy.
* Discipline boys within reason, even if you have to be tougher than their parents because your home is not set up to withstand their running and jumping in the living room. "It's okay for kids to know that rules are different in different places," Stevens says. "Children can respond well when they know what is expected of them."
* When it's time for the boys to settle down, tone down the stimulation. Turn off the TV and video games and play games like checkers, Pick-Up Sticks, or Monopoly.
* When you're outside the home with the boys, Thompson advises, "introduce a different kind of rhythm” into their overscheduled lives by, say, taking them fishing or putting them to work in the yard.
* Boys aren't always eager to talk about what's going on in their lives, but it's not so hard to connect with them if you know what to talk about. Specifically, try to engage in “action talk," Pollack says. "Have them teach you a video game, and through that activity, let them talk."
Grandparents can play a huge part in helping their grandsons harness their energy. You're not with them every day but, when they visit, you can give them activities to look forward to that are in tune with their personalities, or you can just offer your home as a respite from their hectic daily lives. “Don't get caught up in the intensity of their having to succeed," Pollack says. They get enough of that at school and at home. If you can let them be themselves, you'll help them be the best boys they can be.
Elsewhere on Grandparents.com, discover seven ways to stay active when you're indoors with your grandkids, learn how to handle your grandchildren's worst habits, find our guide to your grandchildren's education, join the debate over whether to pay children for getting good grades, and find out what to do when you hate what your grandchildren play with.
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