When Robin Ritter told her parents she planned to adopt a child from China as a single mother, she didn’t get the reaction she had hoped for.
“They thought I was nuts," says Ritter, of Rockville, Md. "My mother in particular was upset." Ritter, whose daughter is now 8, believes her mother was concerned about the racial difference and Ritter’s ability to manage as an older, single parent.
But it didn’t take long for Ritter's parents to come around. They were both instantly and totally smitten with the baby when Ritter brought her home — her mother went right to work knitting an afghan for the newborn. The family's relationship is strong now, but it easily could have gone sour.
Rethink your reaction
How you react to news of your child's adoption plans could influence your relationship with the child and grandchild, says Mary Ann Curran, vice president of social services at World Association for Children and Parents, a Seattle-based adoption agency.
The key to maintaining good feelings is to be as supportive as you can, even as you sort out your own feelings about an adoption. "Just being as positive as possible is really helpful," Curran says.
It's also important to understand your child’s perspective. Deciding to adopt isn’t easy. Some couples see adoption as a responsible first choice; for others, it’s a last resort after years of fertility struggles; for a single child, it may be the last chance at parenthood after years of searching for a partner.
Adoption is difficult — and expensive. The average adoption costs at least $20,000 — little of it covered by insurance — and involves a sea of paperwork, financial statements, medical exams, background checks, and social-worker visits, not to mention months of soul-searching and, above all, waiting. Lots of waiting.
Given all that, even if you have your doubts, asking your children if they've "really thought it through" isn't helpful. Instead, experts advise, reframe your thinking. "Grandparents should go into it with the knowledge that their kids want to be parents and that’s a joyful thing," says Terry Baugh, president of Kidsave, an organization that works to help older orphans and foster youth find families. "Treat it as a pregnancy, as if they’re having a baby — which they are."
LaVonne Rohm, 77, of Anaheim, Calif., agrees. The grandmother of 9-year-old Daria, who was adopted from Belarus, believes the perfect response to news of adoption plans is, "It's about time. That’s great!"
Show you care
Even when your children have traditional pregnancies, they need your support in a variety of ways. Adoption is no different, although the support may be more moral than physical. Here are some ways the experts say you can be there for them:
Educate Yourself. Learning about adoption increases your comfort level and shows your kids that you're interested in what they're going through, says Adam Pertman, executive director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute. Being supportive doesn't mean you can't ask questions, he adds. "That's what leads to education," Pertman says, but frame your questions with sensitivity. "The worst thing that can happen is [asking] undermining questions like, 'Are you really going to love this kid?'"
Provide perspective. The process of adopting a child "is kind of like a wedding," says Eileen McQuade, president of the American Adoption Congress. Just as being married is very different from planning a reception, raising a child is very different from going through the grueling process of adoption. Parents-to be "get bogged down in details," McQuade says. Grandparents-to-be can encourage their children to look beyond the stress of the moment to the years of joy (and different stress) ahead.
Be patient. The adoption process can drag on for months or longer, and can sometimes run into delays or missteps. Resist the urge to ask for constant updates, Curran says; your children will tell you if there’s been a new development. And if there's been a setback they're not eager to talk about, then changing the subject at family gatherings when other relatives ask repeated questions is a good way to show that you care.
Pitch in. Your children might need something as simple as a ride to the airport or someone to watch the house (or older children) while they’re away, especially when an international adoption agency asks them to fly overseas. Jan Christensen, 65, of Waverly, Ohio, not only provided a shoulder for her single daughter to cry on, she accompanied her on the first trip to Vladivostok, Russia, to meet her new son, Maxim, who is now 4.
The experience created an uncommon bond, she says: “We love every one of our grandchildren, but knowing where he comes from and knowing his background makes him extra-special."
Above all, support
Sara Lief, a grandmother of nine in Summit, N.J., whose son and daughter-in-law have adopted two children from China, says she can’t remember how she felt when she first heard that the couple planned to adopt, but she does remember this: "What one thinks or has thought is almost quickly obliterated by the joy of the adopted child." As with the arrival of any other new child, "the role of the grandparent is to be supportive."
Elsewhere on Grandparents.com, find tips for supporting a single parent, try our quiz on new-baby care, learn how to be there for a new mom, and read author Barbara Graham's memoir about falling in love with her new granddaughter.
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