I blame Norman Rockwell.
You know that painting of an apron-wearing grandmother serving turkey to her adoring family? I think it's responsible for many people's unrealistic expectations of a perfect Thanksgiving dinner.
Do families like the one in that painting really exist? Probably. But it's not my family, and I know I'm not alone. The truth is, lots of grandmothers would prefer to be seated at that table, rather that being the one who plans, shops, minces, chops, cooks, and stirs; sets and resets the table; and then worries if the turkey is too dry, the gravy too lumpy, or the salad too limp. Enough is enough! Even with help, lots of us are saying this is just no fun. Why can't someone else do Thanksgiving dinner this year?
One self-described "designated Thanksgiving-giver," a grandmother of eight who wishes to remain anonymous, sums it up: "What I'd really like to do is to take the grandkids to the parade, go to someone else’s house for dinner with a bottle of wine, then leave."
If not me, then who?
Many grandmothers (and grandfathers) who spend weeks on the holiday's preparations say they'd rather not be doing any of it. So why do they? The answer many of them offer is, "If I don't do it, no one else will." And that’s probably true — other family members may not have the time, the patience, or the money. But many of us have a hard time giving up what we have come to see as our responsibility to bring the family together for as close to a perfect feast as we can manage.
Susan Wolff, 61, a grandmother of six in Huntington, N.Y., hosts Thanksgiving each year for her large, extended family — as many as 30 people. "It's a major undertaking," she says, "but it would be very difficult for anyone else's house to accommodate us." Wolf concedes that she could adapt her holiday preparations to make things easier on herself, but does she? Absolutely not. "I admit I like everything to be perfect — the table, the decorations, the food — I even give each of the children little take-home presents."
Thelma Kandel, 75, a grandmother of four in Manhattan, is more willing to give up the helm. When Thanksgiving comes around, she feels like she's "been there, done that." She says, "I wouldn't mind if someone else took over, but they probably won't." Unlike Wolff, however, Kandel has taken some steps to lighten her load. For example, she now asks everyone to prepare and bring a dish to dinner. "One year we all got a little lazy and decided to order from Fresh Direct," a New York City-area online supermarket that sells prepared foods. "It was not as delicious as home cooking," she says, "but it was really easy."
One sure way to avoid the responsibilities of hosting is to leave town altogether. "Last year we all went away for the holiday and it was nice to be waited on for a change," Kandel says. The only downside? No leftovers. "At home, when everyone is too full to eat another bite, they’re already dreaming of the sandwiches they're going to make."
Can you find a compromise?
Kandel's clan has been flexible, but for many families, it's not as easy to break with tradition. "Year after year a fixed holiday routine, where overburdened parents host adult children and their families, can be very stressful," says Susan Lilly, a geriatric social worker in Fort Lee, N.J. "It is often based upon a reluctance to relinquish long-cherished roles and traditions. Neither the 'parents' nor the grown children want to disappoint or offend by suggesting that the holiday should be planned differently."
My mother-in-law may have had the right idea: She was a lousy cook but still put out quite a Thanksgiving spread, thanks to a great neighborhood deli. She'd make a salad, but order a cooked turkey — sliced and put back on the bone so it still looked like a turkey — and wonderful sides like our favorite, barley with fried onions and mushrooms. Alas, she’s long gone and so is that deli. This year, in her memory, maybe I'll order Chinese.
To read about a grandmother who is unwilling to stop hosting Thanksgiving, click here. Elsewhere on Grandparents.com, find out if you need to tighten up or lighten up with your grandchildren this holiday season, find tips to avoid conflicts with "the other grandparents," learn what to do when grandchildren are more religious than you, and discover how to handle your grandchildren's meltdowns.
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