Take a gander around your holiday table. A little like King Arthur's Round Table, isn't it, exuding the utmost in politesse and chivalry. Let's see, where to begin the roll call? To your right sits your buttoned-up ex-husband, fidgety as ever. Next to him, his perky new wife, wearing the tackiest lipstick shade you've ever seen. Oh, and there's your introverted tween grandson (cue eye-rolling). At the table's other end, your stepson's overly-rambunctious children twirl their hairs. And who could forget Uncle Lars, still smelling after all these years, as he awaits his turkey, fork-in-fist. At left, your mother, head matriarch of the discombobulated clan, has one eyebrow raised and isn't saying a word.
So it's not quite Camelot. But this is your family. They've come out in droves to be together, and they're hungry. As more modern families buck the idea of whatever conventional used to mean, here are five tips for avoiding calamity — and, cough, actually reveling in — this year's big, fat blended-family feast.
1) Be Flexible, Be Tolerant
Crisis Brewing: The tree must go in the window! We must open gifts by noon! Dessert is ALWAYS Bananas Foster!
Crisis Averted: Breathe deeply. Now, relax. "One Christmas, our dessert was all up and down the East Coast," says Ameena Meer, from New York City, whose blended family includes the two ex-husbands who fathered her three children, and their girlfriends. "We had our hearts set on a special Christmas pudding from Fortnum & Mason in London. But someone left it at home. And the custard ended up in D.C."
Nobody went postal, says Meer. Instead, "they just rolled with it and went with the apple pie." In a blended situation, it's impossible for things to go as scripted. Allow for spontaneity, and the holiday will go more smoothly.
2) Curb the 'Inside' Jokes
Crisis Brewing: "Hey, Aunt Margaret, remember the time Johnny D. put his name as the deceased on Dom's mass card?" Any idea what I'm talking about? Probably not. Oh, that's right. You weren't there, were you?
Crisis Averted: Not everyone at the blended-family table is in on your bloodline memories. Keep the conversation general — "Marlo Thomas as Mary Bailey or Jimmy Stewart as George Bailey — let's shoot it around the table!" — and include everyone whenever possible.
3) Spice It Up
Crisis Brewing: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
Crisis Averted: When an extended cast of characters overtakes your house, says Marion Wilson, options for holiday shenanigans are endless. She and her husband, Jim, grandparents from Chicago, know about blended holidays. Jim, 61, has two ex-wives and two children from each marriage. Marion, 65, has two children from her first marriage. "With six children, their spouses, and 11 grandchildren in the count," says Marion Wilson, "we can have 30-plus guests on any given holiday."
Why not stage a silly, holiday-themed play with the kids? "Each Christmas, my sister Margaret leads all of the children in a parade," says Marion Wilson. "It's a riot when she gets them chanting, 'We want presents!'" Focus on the children and let the holiday magic ambush those tired adult brains.
4) Discomfort: Spot It, Defuse It
Crisis Brewing: "Mom, if you can't accept that I want Sarah's father and his new girlfriend here today, then you don't have to come!"
Crisis Averted: Sticky, sticky, sticky. Take it from Meer: There will no doubt be a family member who disapproves of your inviting an ex-partner, or two, to share in the rollicking holiday times. Don't let this rile you. It's counterproductive to let personality clashes bring the whole holiday down. Accept your family as it is, not as it "should" be, and encourage others to do the same.
"One Christmas, when my ex-husbands came over to drop off gifts," says Meer, "my mother got upset. But I feel it's important for my kids to see everyone treated with love and respect, and to know that there is a place for everybody."
5) Criticize Not
Crisis Brewing: "Honey, I'd like to let you open presents now, but your drunken mother needs to tear herself away from the liquor cabinet before we can start."
Crisis Averted: Bite your tongue. Clench your fists. And steer clear of ugly, biting remarks about ex-partners, their spouses, and their families. Children not only hear this, but could adopt those negative feelings. Focus on what's good about the new players at the table. Tone down the drama on this one day, and save the digs for your performance in Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
Now, why are you still reading this? Avoidance of your family is futile. So turn off your computer, stop hiding from the people in your living room, and relish this time you have together. Take a cue from Marion Wilson: "We're not a perfect family, but somehow we've made it work," she says. "We all care about each other and enjoy each other's company. I love my stepchildren and could not imagine life without them."
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