When I first learned I would be a grandfather — and recovered from the shock that someone would be calling me "Grandpa" — I thought about all the things I could teach our grandchildren ... important family traditions, tenets of social responsibility, and how I was the raddest grandpa ever. Over the years, I've imparted thousands of significant life lessons to them, but it seems the only one they've embraced is screaming, "Eeeww! Is that a lizard on the wall?" when they want to steal a cookie from a friend's plate.
Whenever we're together, the kids tell me about their lives, instead of the other way around. It's like they don't need their grandpa to teach them things. For that, they have their teachers, parents, Google, and reruns of The Cosby Show. Then it hit me: Maybe I was supposed to learn from them. I mean, no one ever taught me how to be a grandfather; I never read an instruction book. So I decided to let them teach me. What follows are some lessons that I’ve learned from my grandchildren about grandfatherhood. I hope they help you:
• There's a huge difference between how you disciplined your children and how you will discipline your grandchildren. Disciplining your own kids was like showering by yourself; you did it every day, sometimes twice if necessary. But disciplining your grandchildren is like taking a shower with your Great Aunt Bessie. You would do it only if your life depended on it.
• It's less hassle to play Go Fish, Crazy Eights, and Old Maid with only 47 cards than it is to locate the rest of the deck. Grandchildren can stash loose playing cards anywhere, including inside your special margarita blender. (A corollary lesson: DO NOT follow the rules of any card or board game. It could result in your winning.)
• Although it takes some getting used to, it is possible to sleep in the same bed as a squirming, restless, 3-year-old grandchild who digs his toes into areas of your body you would rather he didn’t.
• Just because you hop on a treadmill — rain or shine — every Veterans Day, that doesn’t mean that your body can perform the way it used to. Like most young fathers, I'm sure you used to take your 2-year-old in your arms and toss him skyward. Then you'd watch him laugh uproariously as you caught him on the way down. Back then, you could perform this move for hours, or until he threw up on you. But you should abstain from this activity with your grandchild because your bifocals might cause you to see two of him, and you might catch the wrong one coming down. Also, if you toss him too high and haven’t taken your regular dose of ginkgo biloba, you could forget what you just did and walk away before he lands.
• It is a mistake to try to be "hip" in your grandchildren's eyes. In fact, the words "hip" and "grandpa" should never be used in the same sentence unless you're in an orthopedist's office. This means you should not wear a fanny pack, since your fanny left you on your 52nd birthday. Nor should you ever wear your baseball cap backward, unless you are — at age 61 — an active Major-League catcher.
• Finally, grandfathers must accept that — in times of emergency, stress, or other crisis situations — grandmothers know exactly what to do when the chips are down. When the chips are down for grandfathers, we just go into the kitchen and get more chips.
But please, don’t tell them that. If word gets out, we’ll be nothing more than a Gold Card in bad shorts.
To find out what grandfathers can teach their grandchildren, click here. To discover what grandmothers can teach their grandchildren, click here. Elsewhere on Grandparents.com, join the debate over who gets to make the rules for grandchildren, learn how to manage a four-generation family, and read the 25 reasons kids love their grandparents.
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