Before joining the grandparent club, I listened to my friends who were already members wax poetic about the wonders of their new role. You will fall madly in love! they said. It's better than being a parent! they exclaimed. You get to have all the fun without any of the responsibility! No more staying up nights worrying! And the icing on the cake: The grandchildren will adore you since you won't be the one telling them no!
These and other pronouncements have all turned out to be true — up to a point. But within about two minutes of becoming a nana, I realized that, for me at least, grandparenthood is a bit more complicated than the warm, fuzzy Hallmark version I was expecting. Here are seven myths about being a grandparent — and the corresponding realities that have become apparent to me since the birth of my first grandchild.
1. Grandparenthood is better than parenthood — all the joys without the responsibility.
Well, yes, I admit that much of the time it is an enormous relief not to be in charge of small, impossibly energetic, occasionally whiny and tantrum-throwing humans. On the other hand, there are times when I feel like a fifth wheel, and I miss the urgency and intimacy of the early parent-child bond. Most of all I miss my son, who is (appropriately, damn it!) far more focused on his wife and children than on his mother.
2. You won't lie awake nights worrying.
Ha! I do lie awake nights worrying — but there's not a blasted thing I can do about any of my worries (the 3-year-old's tantrums, ice cream before dinner, etc.) since I am no longer in charge. Even worse, I'm the mother-in-law. At least when you're the parent, you can tackle issues head-on. All a grandparent can do is drop oh-so-tactful hints and hope the parents won't bite your head off — or worse, ban you from seeing the kids.
3. The grandparent-grandchild bond is the least complicated bond of all.
One hundred percent true. Alas, that's only half the equation. What about those pesky adult children who are the gatekeepers to the grandchildren? The grandparent-adult child relationship is without a doubt the most complicated in the universe (see: "mother-in-law").
4. The grandchildren will adore you.
True again! Especially when gifts are involved. (On a recent visit, three-year-old Isabelle asked me several times a day if I had another present for her — and I'm embarrassed to admit that I usually did.) Still, however much your grandchildren adore you and however much you adore them, they adore their parents more. Much more — especially when the kids are very young (see: "fifth wheel"). They may even favor their other grandparents over you, perish the thought.
| Is grandparenting better than parenting? |
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Yes; there's more fun, less pressure 21.1%
They're both special in their own way 62.7%
No; grandparenting is great but nothing's more fulfilling than raising your own kids 16.1%
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5. You will be much more easygoing and tolerant as a grandparent than you were as a parent because you will be less stressed.
Yes, indeedy. Sometimes you find yourself going with the flow more than you ever dreamed possible. But then there are days when the little angels are with you and they're rowdy, whiny, demanding, or just plain kids — and you lose it. In her essay, "The Road to Imperfection," Eye of My Heart contributor Judith Guest describes her behavior during a long car trip with her three prepubescent granddaughters: "I have turned into a person I no longer recognize. I am a banshee. I am Bette Davis in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?"
6. The love of a grandparent for a grandchild is the deepest, most profound love of all.
Deep and profound, absolutely. But deeper than the love for one's own child? I beg to differ. And, like every new love affair, the grandparent-grandchild relationship goes through stages, from the first rush of bliss and excitement to a more balanced and enduring — though constantly evolving — connection. Now that I am four years and two granddaughters into this grandparent thing, I am pleased to report that, although I love the girls madly and treasure the time I spend with them, I am no longer as feverishly obsessed and intoxicated as a teenager with her first crush. Thank God!
7. Time spent with your grandchildren is precious beyond words.
So true, so true! But sometimes, say after a two-week-visit to your home in which you spend hour after hour babysitting, cooking, cleaning (a futile pursuit if ever there was one), playing endless, repetitive — dare I say thuddingly dull? — games (on the last visit, Isabelle and I took turns pretending to be the puppy), and generally feeling more fried than you did when your own children were toddlers, you realize that there is another person in your life who you are dying to spend precious "alone time" with even more than your grandchild — and that person is you!
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