We all want to do the things that will keep our grandchildren happy and help them become the best kids they can be. So how do we do this? These five steps are a good way to start:
1. Don't break the rules (at least not the big ones)
If you undermine the rules your kids have set for your grandkids, you'll end up with confused grandchildren and outraged parents. If the kids aren't allowed to swim in the deep end of the pool, or ride their bikes in the street, it's not for you to say they can, even when they're at your house. But little rules are okay to bend, so let them stay up a bit late or have a second helping of dessert. You’re a grandparent, for heaven’s sake; spoil them a little!
2. Praise them (but in the right way)
First, a confession: I did not have a happy childhood. That's why I swore that no child of mine would grow up with my insecurities. At every opportunity, I told my son how smart and talented he was. He turned out pretty well, so I figured I'd treat my granddaughter the same way. Imagine my surprise, then, when 16-month-old Maggie recently pointed out everybody's belly button, I told her she was soooo smart, and my son and daughter-in-law told me that was the wrong way to praise her. Instead, they said, I should compliment her for specific accomplishments or good efforts, and not indiscriminately tell her how wonderful she is — because when she doesn't do something exceptionally well, and she doesn't feel especially smart, she’ll feel like a failure. What I should have said was something like, "What a good job you did looking for belly buttons!" (As it happens, today's parenting experts agree.) Live and learn.
3. Stay connected (even from far away)
Don't live nearby? Of course, you visit as often as you can, but between trips, there's always e-mail, phone calls, and even snail mail. (You can even record and send your grandchildren stories they can replay over and over again.) Remember that kids love consistency and they love to feel special, so consider making a ritual of reaching out. Allen Davis, 71, a grandfather of three in Deerfield Beach, Fla., has talked on the phone with his 13-year-old granddaughter, Hannah, who lives in Rhode Island, at 7pm every Sunday since she was a toddler. It gives her a real sense of connection and continuity.
4. Keep a secret (within reason)
Trust is a fragile thing in any relationship, even between a grandparent and a grandchild. So don't blow it. Once the kids reach school age, if they want to tell you all about, well, anything at all, all you have to do is listen. But if your older grandchildren trust you enough to confide in you, they're showing you that they think you're a terrific grandparent. And if they tell you not to tell anyone — not even their parents — then don't, unless, of course, they tell you about a situation that has put them in danger. What's at stake? Plenty. "The single best predictor of resilience in adults," says Karen Romine, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Seattle, "is whether, as children, they had an adult they could talk to who would listen, hold their confidence, and treat them with respect." If that happens to be you, take the responsibility seriously.
How good a grandparent are you?
I'm great; the kids love me
25.4%
Great, but I can always improve
63.0%
I'm good, but my grandparents were the best
11.6%
5. Make your home a comfortable place to visit (even if they trash it)
Murphy's Law says that the neatest grandparents get the messiest grandkids. That's just the way it is. So when your grandchildren come to visit, try to relax and not follow them around with a Dustbuster. Send the message that at your place, it's okay to make themselves at home. Do the little ones want to finger paint? Great. Spread plastic on the dining room table and let them go at it. Do they want to take out every toy in your toy box? Fine, just watch where you’re walking, and clean up the clutter in the morning. Do they want to help you in the kitchen? Fantastic. Go bake cupcakes. And if they make a mess? Hey, that's half the fun, and at least half the memories. Let go of your worries, and you’ll enjoy it, too.
So, what really makes a happy grandchild? Spending time, creating a solid relationship, and modeling timeless values. "Never make their happiness the most important thing," says Aaron Cooper, a psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University and the author of I Just Want My Kids To Be Happy!: Why You Shouldn't Say It, Why You Shouldn't Think It, What You Should Embrace Instead (Late August Press, 2008). "Stressing old-fashioned virtues — courage, honesty, patience, compassion, humility — does more to nurture authentic happiness than turning somersaults trying to keep the grandkids smiling.”
Susan Davis Sherwin
is an award-winning advertising, corporate-communications, and features editor and writer. When her son (the father of her granddaughter, Maggie) was young, she was a regular contributor to the features section of the New York Daily News.
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