Building your grandchild's confidence is essential to setting him or her on a path to lifelong success. A healthy dose of self-assuredness can give grandchildren courage to try new things, accept life's losses along with its wins, and cultivate trust in their own abilities.
"Confidence is a belief in oneself," says Melissa Froehner, coauthor of Teen Esteem (Impact Publishers, 1992). "Someone who has it doesn't need to be successful at doing something... but is willing to try." Children who lack self-esteem are less likely to place themselves in new situations, she adds, and therefore have fewer learning opportunities.
Bolstering your grandchild's confidence won't transform her into the next brat on MTV’s My Super Sweet 16 or over-inflate her ego. In fact, kids who feel good about themselves actually spend less money and gravitate away from materialism, finds a University of Chicago study published in the December 2007 Journal of Consumer Research. These six fail-proof strategies can enhance your grandchildren’s self-esteem — and prepare them to meet life's challenges head-on. Plus, confidence just feels better than insecurity.
Strategy One: Praise Specific Achievements
“Kids can smell BS just as adults can,” notes Froehner. And an overdose of generalized compliments can lead grandchildren to dismiss them. Be mindful of when and how often you deliver praise to keep a grandchild's reaction from becoming “Oh, you’re just saying that because you’re my grandma!”
Spotlight individual actions ("what a sharp-looking cartwheel you did in your floor routine," “that’s cool how you can multiply so fast!," “that was big of you to admit spilling the juice and apologize," “I’m impressed that you stopped to help your friend who tripped”) to reinforce good behavior. Accentuating a specific action will be more meaningful than offering a vague “you’re smart” or “you’re talented.”
Strategy Two: If They Picture It, They Can Attempt It
When researchers at the University of Windsor invited young athletes ages 7 to 15 to picture themselves winning a match or improving their skill, the children became more confident in their athletic ability and potential to win. Even if your grandchildren aren’t sports enthusiasts this confidence-building technique can still work.
Let's say your granddaughter's nervous about an upcoming campaign speech. After she has rehearsed her lines on why she'd make the best class president, invite her to recite it to you. If her voice trails off in a whisper and her hands shake, she's likely second-guessing herself.
Ask her to close her eyes and picture the school auditorium. Have her imagine what it's like to walk to the podium and look out at her classmates. What's she wearing? Which teachers are at the assembly? What time is it? Get her to describe every detail as she creates a mental image. Then, read her speech aloud line by line. Have her repeat the words back as if she's on stage. After, encourage her to imagine what it feels like to return to her chair with a smile and the good feeling of accomplishment.
Strategy Three: Little Box o’ Compliments
“Ask your grandchild what he likes about himself,” suggests Froehner. Have him write down responses on scraps of paper. Store the papers in a special box. Whenever he's feeling blue or in a rut, he can read the notes to remind him of the qualities and talents of which he's most proud.
Bonus: If your grandchild’s answer involves talents — singing, skiing, or making friends easily — encourage him to pursue his passion further. Maybe he could join a choir, take advanced ski lessons, or focus his studies on psychology. “Teach your grandchildren to let their natural highs guide them to stay motivated, happy, and confident," says Froehner.
Strategy Four: Play Student, Play Teacher
Wish you could send text messages faster? Curious about MySpace? Challenge your grandchildren to teach you what they know. They'll feel good about the skills they have to offer and will be able to see how teaching their knowledge to others can make a positive difference.
On the flip side, you have years of experience to pass on! Taking time to patiently share a pastime with a grandchild can make him or her feel valuable and loved. Ann Holmes, from Detroit, still recalls her grandmother showing her how to sew dresses for dolls when she was a girl.
“My grandmother made me feel extremely special. Later, I helped her sew a beautiful pink-patterned skirt for my mom,” says 26-year-old Holmes. “She still wears that skirt. And I remember when we presented it to her." Whether it’s passing down the coveted chili recipe and whipping up a batch together or spilling a fly-fishing technique, dedicate an afternoon to sharing a cherished hobby with your grandchild.
Strategy Five: A Little Risk & A Few Mistakes
A confident child is someone who knows he's valuable whether or not he succeeds. Willingness to fail is an important component of self-esteem. It's not only important to provide your grandchild with opportunities to succeed and fail — but to show that failure isn't the end of the world.
"If your grandchildren make mistakes, teach them to acknowledge them and move on – without getting caught up in bad feelings," says Froehner. "When cooking together, show your grandchild how vinegar removes scorches from the bottom of the pan, baking soda puts out grease fires — and if the dish tastes awful, how scrambled eggs work for dinner as well as breakfast!"
Grandparents have advantages of time and perspective over parents, adds Froehner, a mother of three teens. It's easier to be relaxed about a burnt meal if you're not responsible for rushing the kids to school, music lessons, and baseball practice before hitting the grocery store.
Strategy Six: Be an Attentive Listener
How many times have you heard a spouse or friend utter, “I’m listening,” when you know they're tuning you out. Or, remember telling a funny story only to have your audience stare out the window or debate what's for dinner? These tricks can show grandchildren you're focused on their every word: Make eye contact. Ask questions. Repeat back the main talking points. And lastly, demonstrate that what they're saying is important to you: Turn off the ringer. TiVo the show. Feed the dog later. Then sit back, get comfortable, and listen.
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