Getting to "No" - Grandparents.com

The word "no" seems so... negative. But it can be one of the most empowering in the English language.

Grandparents by their nature don’t like saying no — not to their grandchildren who ask them for just one more cookie, and not to their grown children who ask them to babysit those kids just one more night. But it may be for everyone’s benefit — yours and theirs – if you can learn to say no once in a while, especially when the request comes from your grown child and involves your time or money.

If you need help getting to no, consider these tips from social psychologist Susan Newman, Ph.D., author of The Book of NO: 250 Ways to Say It — and Mean It — and Stop People-Pleasing Forever (McGraw-Hill, 2005):

Don’t rush in.

If your child has made a big request — cosigning a home or car loan, financing a college fund, or committing to a regular or even full-time babysitting schedule — your instinct may be to say yes immediately, but you’d be better off taking your time. “Stall,” Newman says. “Tell them that you’ll think about it, and will let them know in a couple of days, rather than jumping in and saying, ‘Sure, of course, I’ll baby-sit every day next week.’ Then, mull it over. Talk it over with friends. Just know that you should have time to analyze it and think about how you really feel.”

Know your history.

Is this big request just the latest in a series of favors? If you’ve always said yes, consider why you do so — and what it means to your relationship with your grown children. For example, Newman suggest, maybe you actually say yes every time to gain control. After all, if you’re giving them your money or time, you may be able to wield significant influence in your grown children's day-to-day lives. On the other hand, frequent large requests may begin to make you feel like you’re being taken advantage of and make you resent your child. Whatever the case, if you feel like your being a yes-man or yes-woman must stop, then firmly saying no, at least once “gives you an opportunity to break the cycle,” Newman says.

Establish boundaries.

“We often don’t think about what our boundaries are,” Newman says, but it’s an important part of your relationship with your children and grandchildren. Try to maintain some boundaries, even just in your head, as you consider any new requests, she suggests. “Like, this is how much discretionary money we have to pay for camp, piano lessons, indulge our adult children with a vacation, payment on a car, whatever — and we are not giving up any more time than this, or spending any more money than this.”

Stand your ground.

If you keep backtracking and saying yes every time a child or grandchild asks something of you, Newman warns, “you will come to be very unhappy, not only with yourself, but with that adult child that you keep giving and giving to.” Before you turn on your grown child, however, keep in mind that sometimes a major request, like lending $15,000 or becoming a full-time nanny to your grandchild — may actually be coming from a son-in-law or daughter-in-law, rather than your own child. Consider the internal dynamics of your child’s marriage before lashing out.

Above all, Newman says, always remember that you have a choice. “You can say no and always change your mind later,” she advises. Or, if circumstances dictate, you can say yes and then reconsider. “I think parents and grandparents forget that they always have a choice, and you want to exercise that choice,” she says.

Find the right answer for you.

Hazel Palache, 67, a personal-development coach in Los Angeles, had to remind herself that she had that choice after her kids had children. “It was hard for me,” she says, “and I teach people to say no!” Palache’s son and daughter each have a set of twins plus one other child. Naturally, there was heavy demand for her to babysit. But she has a successful business that fills her days, and so, even though her daughter lives only minutes away, she had to set boundaries. Now her children know that “unless it’s an absolute emergency,” she cannot babysit during the work day.

Does Palache feel guilty? She did at first, but “guilt is just a feeling, and it goes away, if you allow it to,” she says. “So don’t feel bad about it, and get over yourself.”

In the end, of course, you should and will often say yes to your grown children. Raylene Dickerson, 48, of San Diego, has five children and nine grandchildren, two of whom she raises herself because one of her children simply can’t. Dickerson could have said no, of course, but the thought never crossed her mind. She was needed. So she quit her job as the supervisor of a university’s loan administration office. Still, she does frequently say no to requests to baby-sit from her other children because, as she sees it, she has to draw the line somewhere.

“Don’t feel guilty about saying no,” Dickerson says, “because the more times you say yes, the more they’ll expect it.” And at that point, you’re no longer the grandparent. You’re the butler.