Mira Saleh's approach to grandparenting came as a bit of a shock to her American-born son-in-law. "Americans are more independent than we are," says Saleh, a 65-year-old native of Jakarta, located on the northwest coast of the Java Island and the largest city in Indonesia. "They are more strict with their children."
Her daughter Ming, 43, would agree. "Until the kids are 4 years old, the traditional Indonesian way is to spoon-feed them, cut up their food, and always pick them up when they cry," she says. "They are very protective of the kids. I'm still a little bit like that. My husband, Eric, wants them to be independent."
Saleh knows what it's like to bridge two cultures and try to learn new customs and ways to fit in. Her life has been one of adapting. Saleh comes from a working-class Indo-Chinese family in Jakarta, a city of 8.5 million people that has had an ethnic Chinese presence for generations. Saleh's parents were born in China, but raised their children to follow a combination of Chinese and Indonesian traditions. Although Indonesia is the world's most populous Muslim-majority country Saleh's parents were Buddhist, and she now attends a Christian church called the Philadelphia Praise Center.
Grandparents.com: How has your life as a mother in Indonesia differed from your life as a grandmother in America?
Mira Saleh: I have five children, and five grandchildren, four in America and one in Jakarta. I have spent the past 15 years in America. My husband died in 2001, and our life was always a comfortable one. We had a business in a suburb of Jakarta, and I had a lot of help in the house, to cook and clean, and take care of the children. Because everything is so expensive here in America, my daughter needed my help when she started her family.
GP: Do you remember when your first grandchild was born?
MS: Yes, in 1993. My oldest daughter Ming had gone to school in California, and she met and married an American, Eric, in Belmont, California. That was the first time I came to America. I stayed for about six months, then I would go back to Jakarta. But I returned as often as I could, as Ming's family grew. Now there are more; a 10-year-old boy and a 7-year-old girl.
GP: How have you connected your half American-half Indonesian grandchildren with the Indonesian side of their heritage?
MS: When they were very little, I would always sing lullabies to them, songs I remember my mother singing to me, sometimes in Chinese and sometimes in Indonesian. And I tell them folk stories about Indonesia, or about when I was a little girl. We have fairy tales in Indonesia, like the ones in America, but set on our islands, with Indonesian princesses and brave heroes. I think it is important for the children to hear the words and learn the language. I hope to go to Jakarta with them one day and show them where my family lived, but I don't know when that will happen.
GP: Do you share Indonesian food with them?
MS: Yes, of course. We cook both Indonesian and Chinese food, like chicken satay, which is grilled chicken with a peanut sauce, or stir-fried meat and vegetables. They also like dumplings. And we eat a lot of rice, which is good for even young babies. Some Indonesian food is very spicy with hot chili peppers, so most kids don't like that.
GP: You lived with your daughter in California until a few years ago. Then your situation changed. Where do you live now?
MS: My other four grown children joined us, first in California, then we left there, and moved to Philadelphia, where there are a lot of other Indonesian people in South Philadelphia. We all share a house together — communal living is common in my country. My children are working in factories, and I'm now helping to care for Ryan, 5, my second youngest grandchild.
GP: What do you and Ryan do together when everybody else is working?
MS: When he's finished school, we take walks in the neighborhood to the playground. And we go to the stores in the neighborhood that sell Indonesian food. One is called the Indonesia Store, the first Indonesian shop to open in this area. There are also Indonesian waroengs [simple cafés] we can walk to. Ryan will have some satay or sweet sticky rice and I'll have curry. On Sundays, after church, we go as a family to Chinatown to walk around and shop.
GP: Would you say you're a typical Indonesian grandmother?
MS: There are many cultures in Indonesia. Ours is a combination of Indonesian and Chinese. It's usual for grandparents to take care of their grandchildren. It's considered an important job and a way to help your children. So even though we live in America, that's what I want to do.
Read about the Chinese and Muslim grandparenting perspectives.
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