To a tween or teen, especially, there’s nothing like a grandparent. You’re there for her when she needs you most, and you are a crucial adviser about everything from homework to making friends. But building that trust can often feel as arduous as the search for the Holy Grail.
Turns out, forging a special connection with your grandchildren really isn’t that complicated, says Bernie Siegel, M.D., the grandfather of eight kids ages 5-12, and the best-selling author of Love, Medicine and Miracles and Love, Magic and Mudpies, a new book that guides readers through the ups and downs of parenting.
Dr. Siegel believes there’s a key reason we refer to our kids as our children, their children as “grand” and their children as “great grand.” “The reason these words change is that we mature and learn about how to be true parents and love unconditionally, the more experience we get,” says Siegel.
Beyond unconditional love, there are other key things a grandparent can do to build a strong foundation with a grandchild. Here, nine tips on how to build a relationship that’s as deep as you want it to be:
1. Keep Confidences
Whatever you do, don’t share something your grandchild has told you with anyone else, including the child’s parents (unless that confidence will compromise your grandchild’s safety or health), Siegel says.
2. Show the Love
When you bestow love and attention upon a grandchild, you’re basically offering her someone beyond her parents she can turn to. “You’ll become her advocate if need be, which is crucial to her development,” says Susan Newman, Ph.D., a social psychologist and author of Little Things Mean a Lot: Creating Happy Memories With Your Grandchildren. “In short, a grandparent’s love adds an extra dimension of security for a child in a world that is spinning faster and faster.”
3. Never Compare
Each one of your grandchildren is an individual. Some are ace tennis players; others excel at calculus. Love each for their stellar skills and do whatever you can to avoid comparing one to the other. By being supportive, you’ll boost self-esteem. For example: “Your cousin Nancy is doing so well in Spanish.” Bad. “Want me to help you study your Spanish verbs?” Better. “You’ll get the hang of Spanish in no time. When you’re done studying, let’s check out a Spanish-language film together.” Best.
4. Emphasize One-on-One Time
Being alone with a grandparent gives the grandchild a chance to shine and, frankly, show off. “In building a bond and rapport that is at turns fun, funny, and loving, you’ll create a bond unlike any other in feeling and closeness,” Newman says. “It’s one that teenagers and adults recall warmly for a lifetime.”
5. Keep Your Principles
You can let your grandchildren know that you dislike their behavior while still loving them and helping them find their way through life. “When a grandchild sees the love reflected in your eyes, they’ll know they can trust you with what lies within them,” Siegel says. “This is especially important when it comes to their self-esteem and self-worth.”
6. Follow Your Own Advice
Offer mottos to live by, and live the message. “Show them that it’s good to do what makes you happy and that troubles are life’s redirections, and something good will come of them,” Siegel says. “Make it clear to them that success does not make you happy, but being happy makes you a success, and put that forth in your actions.”
7. Be a Mentor
Try to relate their interest to yours on the same subject, says Joe Cariello, 62, a grandfather of five who lives in Hudson, Ohio. So, if you like to do puzzles, do one with your grandchild; if you are knitting a sweater, get your grandchild started on a knitting project and work on it together. “Kids are like sponges, and they do pay attention to how you react and treat them,” Cariello says.
8. Focus on the Plus
Always emphasize the positives, especially with younger, impressionable grandchildren. “Children’s brain wave patterns, up to the age of 6, are like those of a hypnotized individual, so avoid repeated negative messages like ‘You embarrass us’ or ‘You’ll never be a success,’” Dr. Siegel says.
9. Have Fun
T. Scott Gross, a 56-year-old grandfather of two who lives in Kerrville, Texas, is known by his grandkids as Mr. Science. “I am always there with a fun lesson,” Gross says. “Rockets teach physics, the telescope teaches astronomy and Diet Coke and Mentos teach chemistry.” And isn’t having fun what being a grandparent is all about?
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