When we imagine bullying, we tend to picture middle-schoolers spreading vicious rumors about classmates on Facebook, high-schoolers ganging up on each other in stairwells, or college kids videotaping their peers with disastrous consequences.
But according to research by Michelle Anthony, M.A., Ph.D., and Reyna Lindert, Ph.D, there's another group we should be concerned about — little girls. While "relational bullying," or emotional abuse, among older girls has been the subject of several major studies, Anthony and Lindert, in their new book, Little Girls Can Be Mean (St. Martin’s Griffin, 2010), make it clear that bullying can begin as early as in kindergarten. The pair also offer practical advice to help family members support this extremely vulnerable group.
Grandparents.com recently spoke with Dr. Anthony about the mean-girl phenomenon and the role both parents and grandparents play in preserving the self-esteem and confidence of bullying victims — and their tormenters.
Grandparents.com: In your book, you differentiate between bullies and mean girls. What’s the difference?
Michelle Anthony: Mean girls can be nice girls who just make mean choices, frequently because they don't (yet) have the tools to make better choices. They often go between being mean and nice. Bullies are mean all the time. Because they’re hard to predict, mean-girl relationships are much more confusing for kids.
GP: What do girls get out of being mean?
MA: Being mean allows them to be powerful without physically hurting their friends.
GP: How early can this behavior start?
MA: At age 5 or 6, girls begin to understand that they can pull a social power play.
GP: Why are we seeing more of this kind of behavior now?
MA: TV is one reason. As adults, we get that what we see on TV is often staged drama, but from children's perspectives, it's how people interact. Another piece of this is that you have a lot more social media hitting kids earlier and earlier. Kids as young as third grade are entering a social world that parents have never experienced. When today's parents were young, they never thought that millions of people would know what was being said about them. As a result of social media, today, millions of people CAN. The sphere of influence is so much bigger. Also, there's been a lot more focus on the issue. The more we focus on it, the more we're likely to see it.
GP: Why don't teachers see that this is going on?
MA: Because it's relational, not physical, aggression between girls is often not immediately picked up by teachers. The more acute the situation gets, however, the more teachers are catching on. All these things begin as small kernels, and we don't recognize them until the situation gets out of control.
GP: What are some signs that a child may be being victimized?
MA: Tip-offs include acute friendship struggles, mood swings, changes in behavior, not liking things they used to like, starting fights with siblings (this is true for both the victim and the aggressor), headaches, stomachaches, not wanting to go to school, and isolating themselves. Some parents jump to the conclusion that these behaviors indicate the onset of puberty, but often that is not the case.
GP: What would tip you off that your daughter or granddaughter is an aggressor?
MA: It's likely she'll talk about being unkind in a nonchalant, unfeeling way. She might talk about girls who aren't there or spread rumors. In an effort to feel more powerful, she'll start talking more rudely to parents, look to exclude kids from parties, and act judgmental in general.
| Do you think your granddaughter is being bullied? |
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Yes, and it makes her miserable 25.2%
We don't know; she doesn't talk about it 11.1%
No, her friends are great 20.4%
Actually, I think she might BE the mean girl 43.3%
| |
|
|
GP: Why would a usually nice girl choose to be an aggressor?
MA: The goal of the aggressor is to have power, to make people like her. Having a goal like this is fine, but what's not fine is the choices she makes to meet her goal. Very nice girls can be very mean girls when they participate in very mean behavior. They need the tools to stand up for themselves or to make better choices.
GP: Once parents realize this is going on, what can they do?
MA: In Little Girls Can Be Mean, we talk about the four-step approach, which can be used with both victims and aggressors. The steps are: observe, connect, guide, and support to act.
GP: How does that work?
MA: In the first step, adults are basically gathering information, often by watching the child and noticing new things. Then they relate to what the child is experiencing.The child is often unaware that you are connecting — via stories about your own life, talking about TV situations, etc. Without her realizing it, this becomes a process of self-discovery. Once this process begins, a child can be open to influence and can accept guidance, helping her to know what she wants and needs. Finally, support her as she makes new decisions moving forward. The key is working as a team, and having the child realize you're on her side.
GP: What can grandparents offer that parents can't?
MA: Grandparents tend to be less intimately involved with kids. A child might also talk to her close grandma before talking to her mom. When you're with your grandma, you have permission to dump and run. If you don't live in the same house, you can talk and it's not going to keep coming up every day.
Check out more ways to help kids cope with difficult issues »
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