I like chatter when my grandchildren are around. I especially like it when their conversation is directed at me or their granddad. But when they choose to be silent, I’ve learned to accept that, too.
It wasn’t always so. At times, my grandson would ride in the back seat of the car for miles in absolute silence. Panic would strike. All these possible reasons for his silence would race through my mind: "He doesn’t want to be with me. He’s unhappy or scared or doesn’t feel well." I assumed it was my fault, that I had done something wrong.
Of course it wasn’t! As I learned to accept my sometimes-silent buddy, I also learned how to break the ice and engage him in dialogue. Once I understood what worked, it wasn't all that hard to avoid those awkward silences. Try out some of my fail-proof ice-breakers. Plus, Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist trained at Columbia University and founder of YourParentingSolutions.com, weighs in with tips for striking up and sustaining conversations with your grandchild.
Start Talking to Your Infant Grandchild
“Because grandparents usually aren’t with their grandchildren all the time, they have to build up that history of trust that parents automatically have,” says Dr. Markham, who is also a mother. Let your grandchild become accustomed to the sound of your loving voice by telling him or her all about you, your day, herself, and the world around her. Ask her questions, even if she can only respond with grunts and gurgles. Then respond to her sounds.
Let Your Grandchild Fill In the Silent Gaps
Not every grandchild is a talker. Some children may prefer their own thoughts to casual conversation. Once when I was talking about my grandson’s periods of silence, a grandmother of 16 asked, “Did you ever think that maybe he only talks when he has something to say?” She raised a good point.
Young children are usually quite open. Once they reach elementary school, though, it’s harder to find opportunities to talk with them. When you do, make sure to strike up the conversation when you’re alone with your grandchild. Allow for pregnant pauses that can give your grandson the chance to confide in you and even tell you secrets. Boys, in particular, tend to keep things in once they’ve reached age 8 or so, says Dr. Markham.
Ask Open-Ended Questions
Instead of asking, “How was school today?,” ask “What did you do in science class today?” This way, you don't give your grandchild the option of ducking out of a conversation with a one-word response such as “Fine,” or “Okay.” And avoid questions that begin with the word "why?" Those types of questions often make kids defensive, says Dr. Markham.
Scrawl a Likes/Dislikes Cheat Sheet
Dr. Markham tells the story of a grandmother and grandson who in their separate homes routinely watched the same weekly TV show. Afterward, his mother allowed him to stay up a little past bedtime so he and his grandmother could discuss the show on the telephone.
At any age, most children like to tell you about their friends, the games they play, their dolls, or action figures. Tip: Make yourself some conversation-starting cheat sheets so you can keep up with your grandchild's latest interests. Learn the sports teams they like and how to play one or two or their favorite games.
Draw, Sew, Play Together
Some of the best conversations with grandchildren begin while they are drawing or playing with their toys. My grandson is an avid LEGO fan. He loves to explain what he’s creating. Those conversations often lead to discussions about things he’d like to do in the future.
Establish a ritual of setting aside time to really talk to your grandchild every time you see her. Pay attention to what they say, without being judgmental, and always look for germs of conversations for the future. Latch on to a few catch phrases, even jot some down. You'll use these to pick up the conversation where it leaves off on your next visit.
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