Becoming a grandparent is exciting and challenging. Becoming a step-grandparent is just as exciting, but more challenging. Stepgrands can do as much for your family as any other grandparent, but they need your support to feel fully welcome in your newly-extended family.
Kim Fendrick, a clinical social worker in Haddonfield, N.J., is the biological grandmother of four, and the step-grandmother of three. She says the relationship a grandparent has with biological grandchildren is less complicated, because the grandparent has a lifelong connection to one of the children's parents. "With my daughter I can get into an argument," she says, laughing. "And with biological grandchildren you tend to push the envelope and say, 'Aw, c'mon, give me a kiss,' in a way that you might not with a step-grandchild."
Many Paths to Stephood
A stepgrand may have married someone who already has grandchildren; married someone with children who later have children of their own; or have a grown child who married someone with children from a previous marriage.
It's easier, of course, for stepgrands to foster close relationships with kids when they're on the scene before the children are born. In other scenarios, everyone needs time to get used to one another. You can't expect all children to embrace new stepgrandparents immediately, and you shouldn't put pressure on your kids to feel something they don't. But if the step-grandparents are patient, and you continue to encourage their involvement in your children's lives, the kids will come around.
Fendrick's oldest step-grandchild was 7 when Fendrick's daughter married the girl's father, and she says the girl "had the most loyalty issues." Whenever a child's parents divorce, his or her trust level founders, Fendrick adds, noting, "She kept her guard up more than the younger ones."
Staying Positive
If one of your parents remarries, it may take you a while to become comfortable with the new spouse. That's only natural. But you should work to stay positive about the change around your kids. "Nobody wants to hear anything negative," says Bonnie Waterman of Cherry Hill, N.J., who became a step-grandmother when her daughter remarried. A negative parent can bias a child against a stepgrand and torpedo the relationship before it even starts.
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Yes, but the relationship has not always been smooth 100.0%
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Stepgrandparent and psychologist Jann Blackstone-Ford encourages parents to use the term she coined for her website on stepfamilies — "bonus families." The phrase "blended families" isn't descriptive enough, she says, and too many people associate "step" with negatives, thanks to all those fairly tales about evil stepmoms. She thinks families should present an upbeat model to kids.
"A bonus is something positive, a reward for a job well done," Blackstone-Ford says. "Using the word bonus is an acknowledgement of the hard work it takes to make a stepfamily successful."
Manage Expectations
Stepgrandparents may bring their own baggage into a family. They may have had bitter divorces from earlier spouses and see your family as a "do-over." That can lead to a lot of positive energy, but it also may carry unrealistic expectations. Nancy Landrum of Anaheim, Calif., is an educator who has created courses on helping stepfamilies manage potential conflicts. She says the biggest issue she faced when she became a stepgrandparent was "trying to make my new family into the perfect family I had lost with my first family." Parents should help new stepgrands be realistic and encourage them to "allow children to dictate the progress of the relationship."
Other stepgrands may come to the role with no parenting experience at all. Ken Kaufman of Mount Laurel, N.J., had no children of his own when he became a stepgrandfather. "I never thought I'd have the opportunity to be a grandparent," he says. "It's a kick!"
Kaufman figured out quickly that the best way to relate to his step-grandkids was to be himself. "My wife knows I care," he says. "She appreciates the things I do. I don't go out of my way to prove myself. The only thing you can do is to be the person you are. In the long run, they'll see who you are and that you love them."
When you're integrating stepgrands into your children's lives, the same advice applies. Get to know the person and appreciate their strengths, then give the kids the time to do the same, and you'll be on your way to building a foundation for family unity.
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