Barbara Graham, a Grandparents.com columnist, is the editor of the anthology Eye of My Heart: 27 Writers Reveal the Hidden Pleasures and Perils of Being a Grandmother (Harper, 2009), which tells "the whole crazy, complicated truth about being a grandmother in today's world."
In a recent episode of NBC's prime-time drama, Parenthood, Grandpa Zeek shows up on his daughter Julia's doorstep at the crack of dawn to accuse her and her husband, Joel, of "coddling my granddaughter," after 7-year-old Sydney threw a hissy fit when she lost a family game of charades.
"If she doesn't learn how to lose, then she's not going to learn about real life," Zeek warns. "You coddle, coddle, coddle!"
Although at first Joel and Julia are defensive, it doesn't take long for them to admit to each other that Zeek is right — Sydney is a spoiled brat. Miraculously, after one more major meltdown, the kid learns her lesson. When she loses a game of chess to Gramps later in the episode, she shakes his hand and congratulates him.
Really??!
Okay, I know, this is TV, not real life. Real issues get raised and resolved in an hour that usually take years — if not a lifetime — to settle here on Earth.
Still. I don't know a single grandparent who would have the nerve to speak truth to power — their adult children — the way Zeek spoke to Joel and Julia.
"Heaven forbid!" says my friend Nancy. "There are plenty of things I could say to my son and daughter-in-law about how they're raising my grandkids. Plenty," she emphasizes. "But I don't dare. I'm the mother-in-law, and I'm skating on thin ice to begin with. I'm lucky if I get to spend time with my grandchildren even when I'm being really nice and accommodating. I shudder to think how my son and his wife would react if I made a mild suggestion, let alone criticized their parenting style."
My friend Arlene puts it this way: "I'm like a monk: I've taken a strict vow of silence. Unless I happen to see my granddaughter being poisoned, physically abused, or otherwise neglected, I will not say a word."
Like Nancy and Arlene, most of us just want to be part of our grandkids' lives. We do everything possible not to alienate their parents. And so we pussyfoot. We may occasionally hint, but for the most part we keep our traps firmly shut.
As Anne Roiphe writes in "Grandmothers Should Be Seen and Not Heard," her essay in Eye of My Heart:
Open lines of communication are fine in theory, and frankness and honesty are virtues most of the time. But if you happen to be a grandparent who hopes to be invited to the school play, the piano recital, or the birthday party, you had better seal your lips. Not speaking your mind is the number one commandment for would-be beloved grandparents.
To be fair, when I was a young parent I balked at my mother's most minor suggestions. Life as a single mom was tough enough without her disapproval. Even a raised eyebrow or pregnant pause could send me around the bend. And after she accused me of turning my son into a "mama's boy," I didn't speak to her for months.
How dare my mother criticize me? I thought back then. (For the record, despite his being happily married with two young children, my son and I are still very close. If this makes him a "mama's boy," bring it on.) I was the one on the ground, the one awakened in the middle of the night, the one doing the work. Anyhow, parenting styles had changed drastically since her day. What did
she know? I needed her respect and support to help me believe in myself as a parent, not her negative commentary.
This makes me wonder if all the folks writing Parenthood are actual parents. How would they like it if their own mother or father came charging over to their house early one morning to baldly diss the way they're raising their kids? Not so much, I imagine.
Whether we grandparents like it or not, parenthood (the real-life version) is an on-the-job, trial-and-error deal, and most of the time our own parents cannot save us from our mistakes. This is true, even when our kids are 30- or 40-somethings.
Still, it would be nice if every once in a while life was like a TV show, and all of us — both grandparents and parents — could say exactly what we think.
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