As we approach the new year, the dreaded "R" word emerges. How many times have we resolved to get into shape, improve our eating habits, and write the great American novel?
Let's make it easy this year. We've compiled a dozen simple resolutions that are guaranteed to make you a better grandparent in 2009. At least as far as we're concerned.
1. Resolve to skip Oprah when the grandkids are over, so you never have to answer the question, "Grandma, what's poor genital self-image?"
2. Resolve to follow your children's request to feed their kids healthier snacks by purchasing Diet Cheese Puffs.
3. Resolve to wear a name tag that says, "Grandma," so they'll stop calling you "Gramoo-moo."
4. Resolve to never again forget to get fully dressed before a Webcam visit with the grandchildren. Remember the last time you got up from the computer to get a cup of coffee? Whoops, sorry, kids. Grandma's just more comfy in her thong.
5. Resolve to be better prepared for the grandchildren's eventual meltdowns, by keeping a Grey Goose gimlet within reach.
6. Resolve to update your photo albums and memory books now that your grandchildren are entering middle school. (First, resolve to take the albums out of their original packaging.)
7. Resolve to brush up on your arithmetic to keep up with your grandchildren's fuzzy math assignments. Alternatively, resolve to never again help them with their homework or in order to avoid those passive-agressive notes from the teacher.
8. Resolve to organize a blowout family reunion this summer like the one you had a couple of years ago; this time, without "forgetting" to send invitations to the "other" grandparents.
9. Resolve to finally sit down with your grandchildren and share your life story with them; also resolve to leave out the college years.
10. Resolve to babysit your grandchildren once a week, unless their cable is out.
11. Resolve to help prop up the country's struggling economy, by buying grandchildren as much stuff as you can. This one has the added benefit of irritating the other grandparents.
12. Resolve to love your grandchildren more — wait, scratch that; we know that's impossible.
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