The following column is intended as a parody. We are not suggesting that you take your grandbaby to a deluxe spa retreat, although you may want to consider going yourself ...
Dear Grandparent (or Occupant),
Do you remember that magical feeling when your new grandchild was born? You came to see her in the hospital, and there she was, wrapped in a soft blanket, her skin so precious, so soft, so smooth ...
Well, now that she's entered toddlerhood, after months of crawling around on hardwood floors and bumping into tables, we'll bet her skin isn't what it was once was, is it? Those palms and knees are probably as calloused as a dockworker's by now.
And what about the sheer stress of those first 18 to 24 months? Just imagine the toll it takes on a person's chakra, all the nonstop pressure to learn new things, eat new foods, and meet new people. We know just how your grandchild feels: She feels like she always has to be "on," people keep picking her up with no warning and then putting her down with no explanation. We'll bet that most days, she just curls up in a ball and falls asleep, or cries inconsolably.
Clearly, your grandchild needs a break.
That's where we come in: Tranquility Crib has been America's Number One spa destination for the under-4 set since 2009. We're a holistic resort that serves the entire toddler, from head to out, inside and out. Our services include:
Ritual baths. Our warm fragrant baths, scented with bananas and Cheerios, will eliminate tension and fatigue, and help children forget that they still have 13 letters to learn.
Body wraps. It hasn't been that long since your grandchild was in the womb, and she'll feel like she's returned when we envelop her in a 100-percent cotton, unicorn-emblazoned wrap.
Oxygen boost. Young cells need oxygen just as much as yours. Why deprive her? Best of all, our oxygen canisters all come in the shape of baby bottles.
Saunas and steam rooms. At Tranquility Crib, naptime always takes place in a sauna or steam room. Just because you're a baby, that doesn't mean you have to have baby fat.
Body scrubs. Soft as a baby's bottom? We say you can always do better.
When you send your grandchild to Tranquility Crib for a spa weekend, she'll experience unforgettable luxury, even if she doesn't remember it a week later. Our experienced staff of trainers, masseurs, chefs, and therapists will be at her call 24 hours a day. A team of three specialists will change every diaper as ocean sounds gently emanate through our surround-sound system.
At the end of her stay, your grandchild will be returned to you calmer, tanner, and fitter than ever. She'll be more than ready to handle whatever the world has to throw at her.
Our reservation experts await your call. Rates begin at $13,000 per day.
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