MOM LORI: Dad, we have to talk about fashion and my daughters, your granddaughters.
POP GARRY: No cleavage under 15.
MOM LORI: Cleavage is not my problem.
POP GARRY: Wigs?
MOM LORI: What about wigs?
POP GARRY: I don't like wigs on kids. My mother used to say, "I like the hair you are born with."
MOM LORI: Wigs are not the problem, either. I think there is too much pressure on teenagers to wear the "right" things, and the "right" things are so often so expensive. How did you handle this when I was a kid?
POP GARRY: First off, I sent you to a high school with uniforms.
MOM LORI: I know and I miss them. Uniforms are so easy and so leveling. Everyone looks the same.
POP GARRY: You can't go wrong with a grey skirt and blue sweater. Very utilitarian.
MOM LORI: I wish adults had uniforms. It would make my life so much easier.
POP GARRY: It's not too late. You could become an equestrian? A lacrosse player? A Brownie troop leader? A police officer? Or a nurse like your mother?
MOM LORI: I'll keep that in mind. But my girls don't go to a uniform school like I did. How can I protect them from becoming fashion victims?
POP GARRY: Don't protect them. I think a little peer pressure is good. Let them have fashion wars like Nicole and Paris. Life isn't easy, and peer pressure makes kids tough. I try to stay on top of the latest fashion trends myself. By the way, what's a Spanx?
MOM LORI: Why?
POP GARRY: I just heard it and I like the word. It's funny. What is it?
MOM LORI: It started out as footless pantyhose and now it's a company that sells all kinds of undergarments that suck in the fat.
POP GARRY: Good to know for Christmas. Maybe a good stocking stuffer?
MOM LORI: Not funny, Dad. Back to me: Why should I support the pressure that kids place on fashion? For example, my girls are crazy about Paul Frank T-shirts.
POP GARRY: With the monkey face on them?
MOM LORI: Exactly. But they're more than $30 apiece. I just think there's something wrong with paying $30 for a T-shirt with a picture of a monkey on it.
POP GARRY: What exactly is the monkey doing?
MOM LORI: All kinds of things. Smiling. Frowning. Skiing.
POP GARRY: He skis? How can a monkey ski? Are there special monkey skis?
MOM LORI: My point is there is too much pressure on kids today to wear the "right" thing.
POP GARRY: But that's why they call it fashion. Kids want to look a certain way.
MOM LORI: But if I deny my daughters the monkey shirts, will they become social outcasts at school?
POP GARRY: Try compromising. Buy them one and then buy other shirts that are not as fashionable — but basic and useful. I like the color purple. Buy them purple shirts.
MOM LORI: And what if they complain?
POP GARRY: Tell them to get a job and buy their own monkey shirts. But I think the bigger problem is that teenagers today want to look too sexy. Those ads are pretty steamy.
MOM LORI: But you're saying I should support this and allow my girls to wear the latest fashions?
POP GARRY: As long as they don't show their belly buttons. Inny or outty, I draw the line there.
MOM LORI: At my girls' school, they actually have a belly-button test.
POP GARRY: What is that?
MOM LORI: If you raise your hands over your head and your shirt reveals your belly button, then you can't wear it to school.
POP GARRY: Good rule. Belly buttons should be kept private. I think what's also strange is that kids today don't seem to distinguish between fancy clothing and play clothing. When you were growing up, you had your fancy clothes and your play clothes. That grunge clothing you wore back when? You looked so ragged; in the war on poverty, you would've been the first one captured.
MOM LORI: Not today. Kids wear whatever they think is fashionable. The Olsen twins sometimes look like they rolled out of bed. Just because they're in Burberry doesn't mean it looks good on everybody. On certain people it looks like a lining, or pajamas.
POP GARRY: I have a Burberry raincoat and I look quite dashing in it. Don't knock all plaid.
MOM LORI: When I was growing up, do you remember if there was this much pressure to be chic?
POP GARRY: You had 400 pairs of shoes.
MOM LORI: You exaggerate.
POP GARRY: No. I don't. You were the only ninth-grader who asked for a separate shoe closet for your birthday. You loved wearing Candie's and corkies and we always worried you were going to fall and break your ankle or bust up your nose.
MOM LORI: Why didn't you just cut me off? Tell me no more shoes?
POP GARRY: It is impossible to fight with a teenager who wants a pair of espadrilles in every color of the rainbow. They just can't be reasoned with. You actually said the words "If I don't get a pair in mauve, I will die." Death from lack of mauve; it's a frightening thought for a father.
MOM LORI: I guess the bottom line is that you have to teach your kids that fashion trends come and go, and you just have to ride with them and not get caught up with peer pressure.
POP GARRY: A good way to live. Now I have to go shopping. I hear there is a big Ralph Lauren sale at the mall. I like Izod too. That alligator is so me!
MOM LORI: Dad!
POP GARRY: Fashion isn't just for teenagers. Grandparents need to be fashionable, too, you know.
MOM LORI: I'll alert Vogue. In the meantime, can you let me know if there's a sale on Manolos?
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