Disgraced Senator Needs Family Advice

How would Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho)
explain his, ahem, situation to his grandkids?

The usual phalanx of pinstriped attorneys and political operatives have failed U.S. Sen. Larry Craig so far. The Idaho senator was arrested this summer for soliciting sex from a cop at an airport men’s room in Minneapolis. Sadly for him, this little bump in his political career hasn’t gone away. Perhaps he should turn to an advice columnist.

Allow me to introduce Mary Sunshine, my sensitive feminine side, who stands ready to offer comfort and compassion to lonely hearts and humiliated senators.

I have nine grandchildren and I don’t know how to tell them about a minor incident that happened last summer.

I was arrested in a men’s room in a Minneapolis airport in June. Police seem to think I was there to ask strange men for sex. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have a wide stance, so my feet sometimes stray underneath the dividers between the toilet stalls. I also waved my hands under the dividers but only because the world has become so cold and unfriendly.

Too few of us really get to know our neighbors. I was simply introducing myself and asking if there was anything I could do to -- that is, for -- him.

Police took all this the wrong way. Apparently this particular men’s room has something of a history. It’s a notorious pick-up joint for gay men looking for casual sex. How would I, an upstanding family man from a red state, even know such a thing?

In an effort to bury any suspicions about my sexual orientation as quickly and discreetly as possible, I figured the best thing to do was to plead guilty and hope no one noticed.

In retrospect, this wasn’t such a good idea.

Now everyone knows. How can I explain this to my grandchildren?

Signed, Senior Senator From Idaho

Dear Senior Senator From Idaho,

Be upfront with your grandchildren. Just explain things to them the way you explained them to me. As children, they’re gullible and they may actually believe you.

You have nothing to worry about. For now.

Someday, however, their tiny neurons will start to fire. Little lights will go on over the heads and they will think to themselves, "There’s no way Santa Claus can make it all the way around the world in one night. The guy´s fatter than Ted Kennedy. He’d keel over before he got halfway to Ohio."

At this magical moment, they will also come to the realization that the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy are complete caca as well -- and that Grandpa is one lying dog. No wonder he left the Senate and replaced Gary Coleman on "The Surreal Life."

Then you might as well come clean.

On second thought, you are a member of the United State Senate. Telling the truth is not your strong suit. Stick to
your strengths. Just come up with a better lie.

Tell them you always loved Donald O´Connor (in a platonic way). A song on the airport Muzak reminded you of O´Connor´s tap-dancing virtuosity. (I realize this will do little to dispel any gay rumors, but stay with me.)

Losing all sense of time and place, you got to tapping your toes just thinking about all those wonderful MGM musicals (the ones you used to watch while making out with girls). You tap-danced yourself right into the men´s room and spread your legs for the big finale.

Let me put that another way.

You ended up -- as so many dancers did back then -- by striking a wide pose and waiting for the applause. Hearing none, you suddenly remembered you were in an airport men’s room rather than onstage at the Rialto.

This will require your grandchildren to believe that you are completely senile. They’ll buy that.

Embarrassed, you ran your hands under the stall to make doubly sure no one heard or saw you. Just your luck -- a cop was listening. Too young to remember, much less appreciate, Donald O´Connor, he ran you in.

You confessed to the charges, but you really were innocent. Never mind that it’s a crime to confess to a crime you didn’t commit. You just wanted the whole ugly business to go away. You concealed the arrest from your constituents, colleagues and family because you thought no one would see the arrest report.

After all, what are the chances anyone would be interested in a conservative U.S. senator being arrested in a public restroom for soliciting casual sex with other men?

Just remember this is nothing new. Every grandfather who gets arrested for lewd conduct in an airport men’s room sooner or later has to look into those tiny, trusting faces and come up with a ridiculous lie to cover up his “other-life” behavior.

Fortunately, you’re a senator. You’ll have plenty of time to practice on the press and public before talking to your grandchildren.