Grandparent Machines that Don't Exist Yet, But Should

Build the prototype and you'll be a gazillionaire before Social Security comes to a screeching halt.

We highly recommend…

The iNod
Face it: Your little grandson is the world’s cutest 6-year-old, but when he starts telling you about all the rides at Great America – some of which sound extremely unlikely (is there really a “Roller Toaster” that twirls and toasts screaming teachers?) – it gets a little much. That’s when you smile encouragingly and subtly turn on your iNod. In a nanosecond you’ll be rocking out to all your old favorites, from Elvis to Aretha, interrupted only by short reminders to “Nod as if you’re listening.” Or “Ask ‘Then what happened?’” It’s a win/win for situation everyone – especially your relationship. Remember: “R-E-S-P-E-C-Nod!-T.”

The Cuisinarrrgh
All day you’ve simmered and stirred, and at last your fabulous Wiener schnitzel mit juniper dumplings is ready. What a joy to share your old family recipe with…the grandkid who eats only Lunchables. (Who, in fact, eats only the cracker part of the Lunchables.) No problem! Simply dump your slow-cooked, time-honored national dish into the Cuisinarrrgh, press the button marked “Grrrr,” and presto! Out it shoots, in goldfish-shaped pellets. Or turn the knob to “Frankenfood” and any main course, side dish and salad come out refashioned to look like a frank. A special attachment can turn delicious homemade soup into dipping sauce for nuggets.

Infrared Lotion Detector
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Child coated in sunscreen approaching velvet sofa. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! With your new battery-operated lotion detector, you are instantly alerted when your furniture is threatened by a grandchild still slimy from Funny Foam, calamine, suntan lotion or, most lethally, diaper-rash ointment. Violently loud noise startles the child, who runs screaming from the room in tears. Living room saved.

See & Spill
Turn the wheel, pull the string and enjoy hours of fun teaching your little grandtot all about the liquids in her life. “M-I-L-K. That’s what you spilled on the kitchen table yesterday.” “W-A-T-E-R. That’s what you dumped onto the bathroom floor.” “J-U-I-C-E. That’s what’s making your hair so sticky.” And for the advanced child: “What should we try not to pour on our heads today? S-P-A-G-H-E-T-T-I S-A-U-C-E.”

FairMaster
You love all your grandchildren the same – but how to prove it? Simple. Next time you’re doling out anything from cookies to college funding, just throw it in the FairMaster. Set the dial to the appropriate number of kids (yes, even the brat – the point is to be fair), and line ’em up. Seconds later, out comes your largesse in amounts statistically equal to three decimal points. Never again will you have to deal with “You got more!”

Grandparent Promising System (GPS)
Going on a long car trip with the grandkids? Don’t forget your GPS – Grandparent Promising System. GPS automatically keeps track of all the reckless promises you make along the way, including “Of course we’ll stop at the next McDonald’s,” “If you stop teasing your brother, you can play with my cell phone” and “Quit singing ‘99 Bottles of Beer’ this instant and I’ll buy you a puppy when we get to your mom’s.” NOTE: Special Selective Memory feature automatically deletes any promises concerning free gaming systems, trips around the world and/or ice cream for breakfast.

Electric YouthBrush
The grandkids spent the night and now they’re up at 5:42 a.m. eager for you to play Chutes and Ladders. No need to lock yourself in the bathroom. Refresh yourself with the ElectricYouthBrush – a toothbrush that automatically dispenses a potent mix of Colgate and gin. And when that seventh game starts to drag – just brush your teeth again. No directions necessary.

Portable Substitute Laptop (PSLT)
You’ve been sitting on the couch with your granddaughter, but now you’ve got to go. “Stay,” she begs. That’s when you gently move her from your lap to the self-inflating, gently rocking, battery-operated PSLT. The Laptop, as we prefer to call it, simulates your lap, right down to your choice of coverings: denim, Dockers, apron or scratchy polyester. Perfectly safe to climb, sleep or drool on. Wipes clean with a damp cloth (which is more than can be said for your lap). Now available in normal, large and extra puffy.

Mr. Coffee
Okay, so maybe this isn’t officially a “grandparent machine.” And it already exists. Still, we highly recommend it. You know why.