This is the second in a series of columns by Kathleen Wilson about the specific financial and emotional challenges faced by modern grandparents. Click here to read the first piece, "In Today's Blended Families, Who Supports Who?"
Today's grandparents face a variety of economic pressures, causing various levels of anxiety or distress. I sometimes wonder if much of the angst results from the lack of honest communication, both between spouses and between generations. Couples look at their financial situation and wonder if they have enough money to remain independent; their grown children may be unable to handle college tuition, mortgage payments, insurance premiums, and the need to set money aside for their own retirements. For their part, grandchildren demand more and more electronic gadgetry, as well as clothes, trips, and spending money.
How much can couples bear to spend? Who or what can they spend it on? And will unrealistic expectations cause hurt feelings or discord between the generations? These are the issues we face. In my previous column, I wrote of a couple struggling to balance their future with the needs of the husband's children from his first marriage. Now we meet a couple in which the wife faces similar, and more complex, pressures.
Meet Susan and Edward
Susan, one of my oldest friends, has two grown children from her first marriage. She married briefly a second time but found the right guy in husband Number Three – she and Edward have been happily married for about six years. He was retired, and had been divorced for many years, when he met Susan at a San Diego art gallery. Edward had no children and was willing to move to San Francisco to be with Susan. Her son, Tommy, married when he was just starting medical school. The young couple had a baby girl, Jessica, within a year, but the marriage failed almost immediately after, and the baby's mother moved back to the East Coast to be near her parents. After a couple of years, she remarried and had two more children, while Tommy settled in the Los Angeles area, started his practice, married a nurse, and had two sons. Those boys are now in grade school, while Jessica will enter college next year.
The extended family has endured long-term emotional strains: Susan and Tommy's second wife don't get along to the point that they don't speak, causing understandable stress in the relationship between Susan and Tommy as well. On the other hand, Susan has maintained very good relations with her ex-daughter-in-law and her granddaughter, whom she adores; she frequently visits them even though she has very little contact with Tommy's two boys. Susan has arranged visits in California between Tommy and his daughter, since his wife does not want Jessica in her home. Susan's daughter, Cindy, and her family have tried to stay neutral and have a good relationship with everyone, but it is not easy.
Financial and Emotional Obligations
Jessica wants to attend an out-of-state college and has been accepted at the school of her choice. According to the terms of his divorce, Tommy is obligated to pay full tuition if Jessica goes to college in state; he claims he can only afford one-quarter of the more expensive out-of-state tuition she now faces. Jessica's stepfather hopes to pay the difference, but Tommy's refusal to pay and unwillingness to discuss the matter further has added new tension to his relationship with both his daughter and his mother.
For her part, Susan believes Tommy has the money for the tuition, but is putting his second family's needs above his daughter's. She suspects that Tommy's second wife doesn't want to see any of her husband's income go outside their family. Jessica suspects that her dad cares more for his sons than he does for her. Susan has offered to help Jessica with books, housing, and travel expenses, but without really considering her husband's opinion. Edward doesn't think they should diminish their retirement income, and believes Jessica should go to a more affordable state college.
Walking a Tightrope
Susan called me the other day to report that her daughter, Cindy, now says it's unfair for Susan to provide financial help for one grandchild (Jessica) just because the girl has a difficult relationship with her dad, while Cindy has two children of her own about to go to college and her family is at least as financially needy. Over the years, Susan is sure she's given more financial help to Cindy's family than to her son's children. And Edward continues to argue that Susan's grown children should pay for what they can afford without asking for, or taking, money from their mother.
These tensions, financial but truly beyond money, build up over the years in many families, especially those that are scattered geographically and by divorce. Considering the cost of airline travel and modern children's schedules, it's difficult for a long-distance grandparent to spend enough time with family members who might be able to open up and work to resolve misunderstandings and hurt feelings face to face. Susan and her extended family have been dealing with tough issues for nearly 20 years. The new stresses over college tuition have just added fuel to the fire.
Susan knows she's made some mistakes as she's struggled to compensate to her children for her own first divorce, which occurred when they were teens. It is easy to say that it's not possible to make up for the past, but, of course, mothers often try to do just that. I know I do. I am concerned for Susan, but I don't really know what advice to give her. Right now, she's at odds with her husband and both her children. The tension is sapping her vitality at a time when she and Edward should be enjoying their relationship, settling into their new home, and spending time with friends and family.
What would you advise her to do?
Elsewhere on Grandparents.com, read more about the pushes and pulls that modern couples face:
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