Many of us carefully saved money to buy a car or make the down payment on a house in the early years of our marriages. Some of our parents added a little cash to help, but homes were relatively inexpensive in the early 1960s, and our expectations for a starter house were moderate. With the birth of our children, our husbands worked longer hours to make ends meet, and many of us worked outside the home. Every family had budget priorities – some managed well; others struggled to keep their heads above water, but most of us expected to stay married for a lifetime and assumed income, expenses, and savings would remain a shared commitment.
A half-century later, the world is vastly changed for many of us, and multiple marriages, stepchildren, half siblings, the high cost of living, and the recent downturn in the economy have reshaped our financial landscape.
In my next set of columns, I'll share personal stories from my circle of friends that convey the difficult choices grandparents face today, and how our grown children and grandchildren react emotionally to our financial decisions.
We raised our children during tumultuous years that included assassinations, war, and a sexual revolution. But it was also a time of economic prosperity: College-educated men found good jobs and moved quickly into management positions; public education guaranteed entrance into a state college; and most of us planned to pay off our mortgages, retire, and live off our savings and Social Security benefits.
Someone else’s financial dilemma always appears easier to resolve than our own, but life is consistently more complicated than it appears. I am twice divorced. My thoughts, and those of my friends, who have also been through it all, are intended to provoke thoughtful dialogue for others in similarly challenging situations.
Meet Linda and Terry
Linda and Terry married about nine years ago. She is a graphic designer who devoted herself to career advancement throughout her 20s and 30s, until meeting Terry, a divorced man in his late 40s with two nearly grown children living with their mother a continent away. Terry had retired from military service and started his own security business. Linda felt she had passed the age when she could safely have a child so she thought having stepchildren, and someday grandchildren, would be the next best thing. She also wanted to help Terry build a closer relationship with his two daughters. With a large dog and a new kitten, Linda and Terry anticipated a bright future. When Linda's stepdaughters visited, they observed their father’s and Linda’s financial success and the lovely home Linda had made.
In Terry's divorce, as is common, each spouse retained a portion of his or her own money, and they shared child-related expenses. Terry never shirked his duty to Linda, but he also gave money to his children for clothes and travel whenever they asked. He felt uncomfortable saying no; his daughters were coming to see him more often since he met Linda, and their relationship had improved. Linda, who was earning her own income, saw no real downside to cash outlays she viewed as a father’s typical extravagance.
Life Gets in the Way
Unfortunately, Linda soon faced a major health crisis – multiple sclerosis. She's now in remission and trying to work from home but her fledgling business has yet to make a profit. Linda’s disability insurance helped pay off the couple's mortgage, but they both know she will face serious health issues in the future. Terry’s business suffered little during the recession, so, for now, they're able to maintain their lifestyle without any significant sacrifices.
Terry's oldest daughter is married now, with two small children. Unused to saving, however, she continues to ask her father to provide the extras she'd become accustomed to before marriage. Linda has no problem helping her stepchildren and grandkids with medical or educational expenses but resents Terry paying for weekend holidays and faded clothes and cheap jewelry she considers to be "trash."
Terry's younger daughter recently got pregnant and has decided to raise her baby as a single parent. With her only income coming from clerking in a store, she expects a great deal of financial help from her father. She moved into a nearby apartment and now stops by their house often, each time, as Linda sees it, with her hand out. Terry is furious at her choices and wants her to go back to school, but he can't bear the thought of not helping to support his new grandbaby.
Concern, and Conflict
Linda wonders how all of this will affect their financial plans, but Terry is not willing to discuss it with her; he feels he should be able to spend his personal income as he sees fit. Linda thinks he feels guilty for getting divorced when the girls were young and is thus unable to see that they may now taking advantage of him.
Linda loves Terry and does not want to jeopardize their marriage, but she's fearful for her future. She doesn’t feel a maternal bond with Terry’s children or grandchildren, but, at the same time, she appreciates his need to be a caring and loving father and grandfather. There seems to be no easy solution; Linda tries to be supportive but hopes Terry will realize that he can make his and Linda’s financial future more of a priority while still being a loving grandparent.
What would you do in her shoes?
Read more about the challenges facing blended families:
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