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How to help when child divorces
I need "six things never to say when your child is divorcing," or some things you should say and do. I want to be supportive without interfering. There are two grandchildren ages 4 and 8.
1- Comtemplate (Before you open your mouth) 2- Validate (perception is reality) 3- Educate (don't rely on second hand info) 4- Ameliorate (Foster new growth) 5- Deflate (keep your home negative free) 6- Descalate (use logic over emotion)
First, Nanaslove, let me commend you for asking this question. It shows you truly do want to be "supportive without interfering," as you say. Bless you!
I don't know if I can offer you "six things never to say." But I'll suggest 3:
1) "She was no good, period" (or "He was no good, period." You didn't tell us the genders.) In other words, sympathize with your child, but don't trash the soon-to-be ex to the point where your child feels you're criticizing his/her own judgment. Remember your kid once loved this person (and may still, a little), so if you say too much he/she may feel the need to defend the ex.
And please, especially avoid criticizing the ex to the point where it feels like a put-down of your child as a person, as in "He never loved you" or "She was just using you." Your child needs comfort from you, if anything, not an attack on his/her desirability.
2) "If only you'd spent more time with her" or "If only you'd shown more of an interest in his hobbies." While I don't think it helps to totally trash the ex, I don't recommend defending him/her, either. Again, what your child needs from you, now, is comfort and support, not lectures and criticism. Eventually, when your child is trying to start a new relationship, you might let him/her know what you think they need to do differently. But not now -- not while they're in the throes of the divorce.
3)"Don't you let that deadbeat near these kids till he starts coughing up some money!" Or "Don't you pay one dime of child support until she starts letting you see the kids!" First of all, these things aren't up to you. They're between your child, the ex -- and the court. Secondly, the court will treat these 2 issues separately, even, in some cases assigning a different judge to each one. And those judges will go by the law, not the opinion of somebody's mom ( no offense). If ever there was a place to not interfere, this is it.
Generally speaking, please "say less and listen more." Let your kid vent his/her feelings about the divorce, without rushing in to "fix" any "issues." (I know it's hard for a loving parent not to, but please don't.) Your main goals, in my opinion, are to give your kid that support you mentioned and keep as good a connection with your grandkids as possible. Neither of these purposes will be served by issuing "Dos" and "Donts" to your child or seriously criticizing either parent. Given your kind, thoughtful motives here, I think you'll agree with me. Good luck to you and yours... Fredigram
That you're even thoughtful enough to ask this question is a real good sign you probably won't need our advice, but here goes anyway.
Don't say:
1. "Your ex-spouse is a louse." (That's the other parent of your grandchild you're talking about).
2. "I think you made a big mistake."
3. "How much of your visitation time are you going to use to give your children to me?"
4. "You or your ex- better not dare to move out of town with MY grandchildren." (From the its their children and their life, you have yours dept.)
5. "If you re-marry someone who also brings children into your family, understand I'm only going to give attention or buy gifts for MY bio grandkids." (No one has any business coming into another family's home and rejecting half the children there).
6. "If they don't (pay their child support, call on time, treat you better) then don't you dare let them see the children." (That's from the Nunya dept, as in Nunya Business).
Really, its best to say nothing at all beyond "I'm so sorry to hear that" and "that sounds like it hurts" and "I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it will get better."
Be an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. RESPECT your adult child and their decisions, even if you don't agree with them. Make it easier for them by being a source of calm and love.
But, like I said, I have a feeling you know this already!
D - DON'T ever say a nasty word against the ex, no matter how you feel about him/her.
I - INVOLVE yourself even more in your grandchildrens' lives - they need to know nothing has changed with YOU.
V - VENTING will become your daughter's/son's new priority. Let them! But, just listen and offer NO advice.
O - OFFER your patience and support at all times.
R - RESPECT their space. Going through a divorce is like experiencing a death - give him/her the time to mourn the loss of their marriage.
C - COMFORT both child (son/daughter) and grandchildren. They are going through a traumatic time and will need you more than ever now.
E - ENCOURAGE both child and grandchildren to voice their feelings. This will help you know how they're handling the divorce, as well as help you discover what areas are troublesome for them.
Sorry, that's 7 not 6, but that's how many letters there are in Divorce. LOL.
Another thought: Please try to refrain from giving your son/daughter "rules" about when to begin a new relationship. For example, a popular piece of advice today is "First end your marriage -- then look for someone else." It may be a good idea. But I know of very few divorces who waited till the divorce was final before they started seeing someone new. Some people can't face the divorce without a "new love" to fill the void left behind.
On the other hand, please don't say things like, " Look for someone else, right away. A new romance will help you get over your hurt," etc. That works for some people. But I'm sure we've all seen others who just rush into a new "mistake."
I guess my point is that your child has to do what he/she feels is best for him/her. If he/she asks for your advice on this, fine. But otherwise, please hold your tongue on this one.
Thank you all for your insights. My heart goes out to all of you because I assume you have already gone through this.
Yes, I think my instincts are telling me what I need to do, but I really need your reassurances because many times it is difficult to keep my mouth closed and just listen. I feel partly to blame because I never really accepted my son-in-law. I didn't feel they were right for each other and though I was careful not to criticize, I also wasn't as welcoming as I should have been. My husband, my younger daughter, and I are trying to be available as much as possible.
WebNana, you said to encourage the grandchildren to voice their feelings. Do I wait for them to bring it up, or are there ways I can encourage them to talk? My four-year-old grandson doesn't mention his father, and has even told his father he hates him. (He hasn't seen his father for several weeks because he is incarcerated on a DUI and I know he misses him dearly.) My 8-year-old granddaughter says that there are threads between people and she knows that the thread between Mommy and Daddy has broken. I only know these things because my daughter has told me of them. Should I bring these up to encourage conversation, or should I wait for them to initiate. If we don't talk about it, I feel as though we are all pretending things are OK when we know they're not. Help!
Oh, why is it that so many of us loving moms feel like it's our fault when our adult kid has a problem? Just goes with the territory, I guess. But really, while it MIGHT have helped if you'd been more "welcoming," chances are your daughter's divorce has nothing to do with you and would have happened, anyway. So please try to let go of any sense of "guilt."
I also know how hard it can be to "zip your lip" with adult kids. I mean, I'm, generally, an easy-going person and it's hard for me, so what does that tell you? One thing that helps me though, is keeping a daily journal. Then if I have any thoughts or feelings about my daughters' lives that I don't think I should say to them, I can express them in the journal. And of course, please always feel free to vent here :-).
If you really feel there's something that needs to be said, it might be wiser to express it as a "concern" rather than a criticism or a command ("I'm worried about..." instead of "Don't do that..."). But if your daughter bristles, please back off. Or if somehow, no matter how gently you express yourself, she seems hurt by what you say, please apologize and then let it drop. And if, after listening to your advice, she goes ahead and does something different, please try to accept her decision and leave it alone.
About the children -- well, I know you really addressed this question to WebNana, but I want to offer a couple of thoughts. According to your last post, they have opened up to their mom a little. So it's not as if they're in denial or bottling their feelings up inside. While you may feel as if they're "pretending" that everything is fine, that's partly b/c you were not present for these conversations. But at least, you know they are taking place, so please don't worry.
Still you and their mom may think they need to talk to another close family member, such as yourself, as well. If so, I think it's better for you to try to wait till they bring it up. But after a while, if they don't, it might be a good idea to touch on the subject -- lightly -- and see how they react. Mention their dad, briefly (as in, "Your dad really loves chocolate") and see if they take it from there. Or talk about your own mom and dad and see if that starts a conversation that leads to one about their parents' divorce. Or just let them know they can talk to you "about Daddy" (or "about Mommy and Daddy") if they want. But if they don't respond, I don't think there's any need to push it. For whatever reason, right now, they may only feel comfortable talking about this to their mom, and that's perfectly ok.
Mostly, please just be there for both your daughter and the kids with love. And please help make their new life as pleasant as possible... Fredigram
Nanaslove: Please stop blaming yourself for this divorce. I know we, as women, like to take blame for just about anything but, trust me, if this was meant to be, you played no part in it.
You sound like you've thought long and hard about how to handle this new situation, and I'm sure you'll do just fine. The main issue is to be considerate of all involved and don't ever push your views on anyone.
As for the grandchildren, Fredi seems to have covered it beautifully. If they are close enough with you and comfortable talking to you about anything, I'm sure things will come up about the divorce too. Just calm their fears and ALWAYS let them know you will ALWAYS be there for them. Sometimes we need to read between the lines to know what's bothering them, so pay close attention. At other times, they won't voice their fears, so watch their body language for clues. And that's the times you might want to bring up some little story about their dad or mom, just to get them talking, as Fredi pointed out.
It sounds like you've really got it together and I'm sure if you just follow your instincts, this will go smoothly.
I was married for 26 years, yet 6 wks after I left my husband, my mother said, "I told you so." And she continues to point this out 10 years later when ever the topic comes up. I ran from my mother for the first 6 years. I still cringe on the inside when I hear this.Nanaslove, I am sure
Opps! I accidently pushed the post it button in mid sentence. Nanaslove, you sound much to thoughtful to do this. I am posting this (about my mom saying "I told you so.") for those who will read the posts. My only advice, we pay too little attention to young children's need to express feelings. We all need to start learning to model appropriate but honest feelings, such as I am feeling sad about your Mom and Dad seperating. Children need to grieve the loss, too.
@Kulied -- I know you didn't come on to ask advice about your mom, but I almost "can't help it?" I know you love the woman and she loves you, but she's not only being insensitive, it's also very rude! Not only is it plain bad manners to say "I told you so" or anything to that effect, but she is compounding the offense by saying it over and over! I think you need to put your foot down! Fredigram P.S. I think your advice to Nanaslove is wise and beautiful.
