A lot of the points made have already been explored by us on our discussion boards, of course, some of them several times. But a few of the specific grandparent offenses mentioned here were extreme, I hope, and not the usual! I especially can't get over the gram who tried to use her little granchild against his mom (her former DIL) -- and by invoking the name of the deceased father! How can some people be so heartless?!

I was also surprised by the mom who complained about the kids getting more attention than she does! I confess, I recall feeling a little bit that way, now and then, when my 1st daughter was born, but not for long and not enough to gripe about it. But this complaint (plus another comment by another mom-blogger) shows that we need to give the new parents some attention, too, and boost their confidence, as much as possible. Kids can sense,I'm sure,if the person they're with is nervous or insecure, etc. So a confident parent is almost bound to be a better parent!

This was very interesting and enlightening. We have so much to learn from each other - it would be wonderful if all mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law could see how important they are to one another!

If I can add a few tips of my own...

-Please don't horn your way into the labor process unless the new mother-to-be is actively wanting you there. My MIL's presence was something I felt I could not easily say "no" to and having her barging into the delivery room is something that made me uncomfortable and later, resentful.

-Please do not take advantage of a new parent's lack of confidence. I had a rough, long labor and while I didn't mind a brief visit every other day, I did NOT appreciate someone taking my newborn miles away on a long walk when he needed frequent feeding.

-Please curb excess enthusiasm. There will be plenty of time to introduce the new baby to Uncle George's second cousin's roommate's parrot. Really. And on that note, please don't ask drag friends around on short notice and be offended when the request is denied.

-Please resist the temptation to "show off" at family functions. I once found myself racing my MIL to the room where my son was napping when we heard him wake up. Although she'd held him all afternoon she wanted to be the one to comfort him in front of the rest of the family and it was difficult for me to wrest him back (he needed to be breastfed).

-Please don't compete with the other grandparent(s). My dad visited for a few weeks over the holidays and my MIL did everything she could to try and be there as well, despite the fact that she lives nearby. She even offered to put my father up in her house "so that he could spend Christmas morning with us." Sorry, but that's so transparent that it's painful.

-Please don't nag for visits. Especially don't nag for a visit when the mom has post-birth health problems. I felt very pressured to visit my MIL when my son was 2 weeks old. A few days later I went to the hospital with a bad infection and was put on bedrest. All my MIL wanted to know was when we were coming over again.

-Please don't nag for "alone time" with the baby. At 3 months old and suffering from depression, the best I could do was go out for an hour, and that was very difficult for me.

I doubt I'll ever fully trust my MIL again, but I try to think with my head and not my heart. I understand she is excited about her grandchild, and loves him. So it's for his sake that I allow frequent visits. He is still quite young (under a year) and I'd like to encourage them to have a bond. At the same time, I am having a difficult time forgiving my MIL. In truth, I'd like to move much further away from her (and this is a person I got along with splendidly for years). I do make a strong effort to like her, but have found it's best to hold her at arm's length now, definitely less closeness during her visits. I tell her less than I used to, don't feel I can confide in her.

It's not her loss, nor is it mine, but it's Ours all of it, including my son's.

I feel most of the tips to us were reasonable and as one of the grands said, "discussed in this forum many many times." As Grim mentioned earlier today, each mom has a different view, so you have one saying "you must ask before you do anything" and another one saying "just come and play and be silly" so it really does depend on the personality of the mom. I am the mother to the mother of my grandchildren (the three that live in my home) so I think I have it easier when I have something to say. Now maybe if she were my DIL, she would feel differently, just like the way she resents when her MIL does just about anything.

The only one that jumped out at me was the one where it was implied that if you "bother to stock up, then we will visit more." Well of course you would know better the financial situation of your in-laws and parents. But I don't think they should be punished because they cannot afford to "stock up." Actually I think it would have been more thoughtful to bring the supplies to them to have on hand. Of course this was not an issue for me. I was garage sailing to find extra stuff for my house, I bought new car seats for each of my grandchildren to have for my car, you name it, I have it.

I personally think it is much more fun when grandparents can be spontaneous, you know, show up with finger paints and paper towels, sidewalk chalk for hop-scotch, cookies from the bakery and a gallon of milk for snack time. I know my grandchildren love it when they answer the door and there I am. But as I stated above, it depends on the personality of the mom, and hopefully you know it well before the children arrive so that you don't make these blunders. Anyway, it was interesting and I got a chuckle out of it too. Nana Laura