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Lost of Grandchild
My sister has lost a granddaughter. She has 3 other grandchildren. Her own daughter, drown the 5 month old child. Her heart is breaking. Has anyone had to deal with the lost of a grandchild. I am at a lost for words to try to help her. I love my sister very much and now that I have grandchildren I know that love that can melt our hearts. Thank you
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grandmafrost
05/14/09 @ 03:57 PM
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I am very very sorry for your loss, GrandmaFrost. It is terrible and tragic and very very sad, on so many levels. It is a double loss, and mixed with questions that can never be answered. You and your sister have my deepest sympathy. The only advice I could offer for you to support your sister.... is just spend as much time with your sister as you can. Too many times people avoid someone who is going through something tragic like this, because the very thoughts make the people around her too uncomfortable to contemplate. She is lucky to have a loving sister like you. Calling her a lot, visiting her, having her visit you, holding her hand, having coffee and meals, going for walks, with no pressure and letting her share her stages of grief and rage and helplessness and sadness and memories with you is the greatest gift you can give her. Let her talk when she is ready to talk, but don't push her to do anything. Perhaps familiarize yourself with the 6 stages of grief will help prepare you whatto expect from her. I practice some elements of Buddhism because I find them peaceful and to help me deal with acceptance and loss. If you or she has a spritual faith or a meditative habit, and you would like to gently share it with her, I think she might find that comforting as well. Best to you both, Mom Mom Maggie
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MomMomMaggie
05/14/09 @ 04:43 PM
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Grandmafrost - I am so very sorry for your loss, and the terrible loss your sister is going through as well. Grief is devastating. I learned long ago that a person who is grieving doesn't need to hear anything other than "I'm sorry." What they need most is someone who will listen to them, hug them, cry with them and let them grieve. Your sister needs you for exactly those things. One of the worst things that people do when someone loses a loved one is tell them to "get on with their life." There is no time limit on grief, and everyone grieves in a different way. Some days your sister will seem to be getting along fine and other days she will have trouble getting out of bed. The most difficult loss to deal with is the death of a child/grandchild. It is not the natural order of things and never seems right. Please be patient with your sister. She will learn to live with her pain, but though the pain will ease, it will never leave completely. I pray that God gives you wisdom to know when to speak and when to listen. You are a very loving sister to look for advice in this area. God bless you!
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mrsrev
05/14/09 @ 11:21 PM
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OMg, Grandmafrost! What a terrible tragedy! I barely know what to say myself. Your poor sister -- to lose a grandchild and know that her own daughter is the cause! But I agree with Mrsrev -- better to say little or nothing more than "I'm sorry" and be ready with a shoulder and an embrace. If there are days when she finds she really can't function, perhaps it would help if you offered to do a few of her daily chores for her. But I have a couple of questions. It seems clear to me that her daughter is suffering from a serious depression or some other type of mental or emotional illness. Will she be receiving help for this? I hope so, even though, of course, sadly, it won't bring the child back. Also, are the other 3 grandchildren the kids of this same mom? If so, hopefully, they are now safe. You and your family will be in my prayers... Peace...
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fredigram
05/15/09 @ 12:13 AM
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grandmafrost i amsorry for your sisters loss. evidentially her daughter is probably suffering from postpartum depression. I pray that they get this mom help. It is a terrible tradgey for your family especially your sister. She will need alot of support. She will be going through alot. Not only the death of this granddaughter but also the fact that her own daughter caused this death. Just be there for her in every way. support her and be there for her when everyone else goes back to their normal life. She will need you for a long time. It takes awhile to go through the grief stages. Just help her in what ever way. Especially that ear to listen and arms to give hugs' I will be praying for you your sister and her daughter. Her daughter will also need alot of help so try and be there for her too. When the daughter realizes what she did she will also need your love and support because there had to be a problem like postpartum depression for her to do something like thisw so dont forget the daughter who did this she will need you too. dont blame her but support her.and help her to learn to forgive herself for this tragedy. It will be a long hard road. hopefully you have some spiritual support for a tme like this
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Slippy
05/15/09 @ 04:10 AM
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some times when you dont know what to say, saying nothing is best. just be there when she wants to talk.
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nancyhen
05/15/09 @ 05:38 AM
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Grandmafrost, I would like to offer my condolences to you and your sister, and to the mother that did this to her child.
This brings up some terrible memories for me, a neighbor had bought my young niece an ice cream and my sister took her to give her a bath, she says she saw the face of the devil and the only way to save Jamie was to kill her, she took her out of the bath, wrapped her in a towel, laid her on the floor and she then went for a bike ride.
Our story is a bit different, my sister knew something was wrong with her, and we got her into the hospital, well her husband came and told her she needed to get out of the hospital to take care of her children, or she would never see them again. In fact he took my oldest niece to be with his parents in Idaho, he was only her stepfather, she didn't even know these people.
My sister was proven to be schizophrenic, possibly a bit of postpartum depression. We aren't sure if it was drug induced, her husband kept her on a lot of drugs, from the sexual abuse by her father or who knows maybe it was genetic.
By the way we had contacted CSD when she was let out of the hospital, and again when we found that our niece was in Idaho, and never got any help.
Our sister was committed to the Oregon State Mental Hospital and she what is different is the state still has control of her for the rest of her life, so when she messes up for any reason, such as getting into drugs (which she did) they can lock her back up.
We stood by our sister, and still do knowing that she is ill, and struggles. Our brother-in-law wouldn't allow us to say goodbye to Jamie, but took her back to Idaho and buried her on the family property.
We tried the legal route to get our niece back from Idaho, and when that didn't work, we picked her up from her school and brought her back to Oregon.
So, yes, I know how you and your sister are grieving and your sister (and maybe yourself) are feeling guilty because of the continued love of her daughter.
Your sister of course needs to grieve for not only the loss of her grandchild, but what is going to happen to her daughter. All you can do is stand by her during this time of grief, and support her if she continues to stand by her daughter. I believe that our love for our children is unconditional, even though we may not be happy with what they may do in their lives.
My prayers and thoughts are with you and your sister.
Teddie
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teddiegrams
05/15/09 @ 07:47 AM
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Stages of Grief
(for you to know; not to advise your sister)Stage 1 - Shock/Denial "No, Not Me"
Stage 2 - Pain/Guilt "Why me?"
Stage 3 - Anger/Bargaining/Resentment
Stage 4 - Depression/Lonliness
Stage 5 - Upturn
Stage 6 - Acceptance "This is what happened"
Stage 7 - Disruption - Cycles through again
---- Don't say :
"I know how you feel"
"Its God's plan"
"You have your other kids"
"Get a hold of yourself"
"You'll be okay in a year"
"Its time to put this behind you"
---- "The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of confusion or despair, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing... not healing... not curing... that is a friend indeed." ~Henri Nouwen
---- "Quiet and sincere sympathy is often the most welcome and efficient consolation to the afflicted. Said a wise man to one in deep sorrow, 'I did not come to comfort you; God only can do that, but I did come to say how deeply and tenderly I feel for you in your affliction'". ~Tyron Edwards
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MomMomMaggie
05/15/09 @ 09:06 AM
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I want to add to MomMomMaggies' list of the stages of grief, that some people experience them in a slightly different order and sometimes, it may seem as if 1 or 2 stages are occurring at once. @Mom Mom Maggie -- I LOVE those 2 sayings! Such wise words -- so HARD for well-meaning people to follow, I know (myself included) -- but very wise, I think.
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fredigram
05/15/09 @ 09:55 AM
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I want to Thank you all. I read each message and it has Helped. I will be by my sister side every day if I have to. Her daughter, My niece was in jail for a time. She is not allow to see her son that she gave birth to days before she went to jail. He is safe. Again I want to Thank you all from Michigan
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grandmafrost
05/20/09 @ 04:25 PM
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Please keep in touch, Grandmafrost, I'm happy that our words to you have helped. I do hope that your sister is able to see her grandchildren. That will be a tremendous comfort for her, as I'm sure you will!
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mrsrev
05/20/09 @ 07:08 PM
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Thank you, Grandmafrost for getting back to us. So good to see that we were able to be of help. I'm so glad the baby is safe and I hope the mom is getting some psychological help. Peace to all of you...
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fredigram
05/20/09 @ 11:16 PM
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Oh I am very sorry. I have to ask was the daughter BiPolar? The reason I ask is because I have a sister-in-law who is. It is a very real illness and most dont realize their family member has it. You may want to research this yourself. Most most mom's dont realize that their children have a problem. I know this because I have lived it. And also am studying Psychology. It isnt about blame but about finding out the illness and helping her daughter. I am so sorry for what happened to your family. Your sister just needs you to be close to her and help her she is lost right now as any of us would be. I have two grandchildren and they were in a car wreck a few months ago when I found out I didnt know if they were hurt, dead or alive nobody would tell me. I thought I was having a heart attack. Thank God they are okay but that is something I cant say I know how she feels but can only imagine. All I know is her daughter really needs help and I hope she gets it.
Take care!
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OhanaWaltersGranny
05/20/09 @ 11:38 PM
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Bi Polar is an option however, grandmafrost, you say that she had just given birth to a baby boy a few days before this happened. I'm wondering if post partum depression had anything to do with it as well.
No matter how you look at this kind of thing, it's never easy to deal with. My own daughter is Bi Polar and had depressive episodes after her kids were born. It's never an easy road to travel with them.
I will keep you in my prayers. Know that you are not alone in this.
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KSMeMa
05/21/09 @ 01:22 PM
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I lost a grandson so I understand what your sister is going through. Giving her love and support ---- being there for her is the best thing you can do for her. Also, if she can be convinced to go to grief counseling it will help (it helped us). The pain of her loss will always be with her and her heart will often ache terribly for the grandchild she lost. As months go by, even though the pain will still be there, she will reach the point of acceptance. My prayers are with her.
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Juju1
06/23/09 @ 09:21 PM
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