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Two granddaughters of my two sons
My sons married within a year of each other, and had girls 6 months apart. They are 5 and 4 and a half. The older one was planned, and the second was not. Due to circumstances the parents of the younger lived with us before the baby was born. The other son lived out of state. When the older was born I went to stay and help out. My son appreciated it immensely. DIL did not, and rarley said Thanks. Her mother was close by and I appreciated her stepping back and letting me be there the first week. My son would come home late at night and I stayed up with the baby. I still remember looking at him and seeing him so tired after work. I told him to go to bed and I would handle everything. His "Thank you, Mom" was so meaningful to me. Being there, I missed younger son's quickie wedding, but felt it was important to be with baby #1. Economic reasons led to Son #1 moving to our state. Thought we could be one big happy family. (No grandparents were around when my boys were growing up) Well the obvious happened. Baby girl #2 and I bonded since they lived with us for a couple of months and I took and still take care of her a couple of days during the week. She is such a pleasant child, and her parents have had many problems, but are together and life is getting better for them. Both my husband and I have felt very protective of her, love her dearly. She runs to hug and kiss us and is very comfortable with us which is understandable. Now we come to the problem. Mom of girl#1 is resentful of the circumstances of the birth of girl#2. Her daughter was supposed to be the center of attention, even tho they did not live nearby at the time. I love girl#1, but mom's attitude is one of resentment toward Girl#2. We try to spend as much time as possible with her, but it will never be even. Mom wanted to go back to school and I told her I would do anything I could to help out so she could get her degree. I had her one evening a week last semester, and it will be two this next one. I fix her favorite dinner and we play together. We have done so much for both families financially, because we are able, and feel it is better to help now when they need it than when they are in their 60's and we are gone.
My issue now is that Girl#1 is taking on some of the more negative traits of her mom. I think that mom may doing a lot of "talking" in front of the child. The child tends to be a bit bossy to her cousin and we have caught her lying as to whose fault it was that "something" got broken. etc. She will totally disregard what I say, such as "Don't touch that plant, it is very fragile"...she crushed it right in front of me. When fixing her ponytail, I can't get it the right way. She always has to win, be first, and will cheat to get there......This is a Five year old! I try to do special things for her, but nothing is good enough. Or she just takes it as if it is expected. This is so much like her mom. We are bending over backward to satisfy mom, for our son's sake. He tries to discipline her with a threat of "timeout", but I rarely see a follow thru. If her mother says it is time to clean the playroom and she says no, mom says ok lets go shopping and you can do it later. She has to have all the name brand clothes (in mom's view) Mean while granddaughter#2 is so happy to get a toy or clothes that I picked up at a yard sale. When Cousin #1 is bossy, mean and hurtful to #2, I see #2 drawing away or giving in. I want to help granddaughtet #1, and I feel by having her here two evenings a week, I can reinforce some positive behavior. I thought of having a chart and getting stickers for "listening to Grandma". Then when I feel she has been successful, I will take her to get her nails and toenails polished. A very "grownup" thing. I realize that jealously is the feeding frenzy here. I can't change previous circumstances. Life happens and we all have to make the best of it. I have felt guily, but I think I have gotten passed that. I did put a phrase up on my fridge...from Ricky Nelson's "Garden Party"....You can't please everyone, so you have to please yourself. If anyone has some sage advice, please let me know.
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Willow444
07/04/09 @ 02:14 PM
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Hello,
Sweetie I do hope that I can get this correct, I almost got lost several times but you are somewhat like me , I like them long too.
I'm not here to just answer a question , I'm Simplyshy/Sandy and I have a group called Talking From The Heart where we relax and just talk from my heart and this is just my feelings and how I have treated my grandchildren and I have 12 plus twin girls soon. I have both types too... But when they come to my apt. its my way... no yelling, or correction I have a system where I use Simmons Bucks with different amounts on each corner. They each have their cups and a Motherload. When good and do as asked they get to go them selves as I watch and take what they earned and place it into their cup ,,, but OH, when they are not good TWO go back into the Motherload.. for some reason they just don't like that ... they know if they get angry about it TWO more go into the Motherload... seeing them take the construction paper Simmons Bucks to Walmart and letting them pick out what they want and for them to put up their money ( I hand the cashier the real money inside my hand) and they get it bagged and have to say " Thank You , I Appreciate it" or they get it held back till then. they learn real fast.Now, giving to one and not to the other outside of my system to me would be depending upon the circumstances.
if a toy was broken by the child who did it and who could care less... now this is just me.. no , they need to learn a lesson ... they should never be rewarded for not being good. What happens in their home as much as you want to change , unless you get prayer and and have the Lord change them you are hitting your head against a brick wall... ols sayings... but it works for an example. You are very important to these girls and they need you and I'm sure they don't realize it ..
You came on here and I was having some technical problems on my groups site and got kicked out again its a glitch.
Those little girls and your sons and their mommies need your help and don't realize all of it.
on my site we pray for people ,IF they ask for it , I never push My Lord on anyone.
If this is not your way there is a group called DrG.G. they don't pray. I haven't been able to complete how I answer on my site and I feel bad about it . You see we care and don't just answer a question and go on, we check on you and try to get you to come alive with us and talk about those gorgeous blessing from Heaven. You know from your words you surely raised both sons with you great ideals, can your son bring them into his household and take hold and enforce them. He turned out great as his brother did. What ever you want to do I agree with you because its your needs that are to be met. Take Care. Simplyshy/Sandy ...T.F.T.H....
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Simplyshy
07/04/09 @ 03:52 PM
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Willow444, I can see that you're a very loving mom and grandma, who tries to treat all of her family as equally as possible. But you're realistic enough to know that some things can never be exactly even. It's not unusual for grandparents(GPs) to be closer to one grandchild (GC) than another, especially if one of them lives with the GPs. And there's no rule that says it must be otherwise. I agree with Simplyshy that you have a right to set the rules, consequences, and yes, rewards in YOUR home. That means greater peace of mind for you and perhaps you'll be showing your granddaughter(GD) that there's another way. But please don't expect that this will totally negate her home influence. If her parents fail to set limits and are inconsistent when they do, that will be the major influence and, I'm afraid there's nothing you can do about that. Hopefully, your example - and school - will show her that not everybody accepts negative behavior. Another reason to try to enforce some rules with her at your house is that this will also affect your other GD. You can't expect her to follow the house rules and not demand the same of her cousin. It wouldn't be fair and would just lead to resentment and perhaps, rebellion on her part. No doubt, some of your older GD's behavior is a response to what she hears her mom say. But you MIGHT be abe to use that to your advantage. Perhaps you could explain to her mom that you have to enforce the same discipline with both girls - not fair, otherwise, etc. Ask her to remind her little girl that she must listen to you when she's at your house. Hopefully, she'll follow through. Might work if the child is as affected by her mom's conversation as you think. But you also tell us that neither of the older girl's parents are consistent in their discipline. In fact, if she's stubborn enough, she sometimes, gets rewarded with shopping! (I'm sure that's b/c Mommy would rather go shopping, herself, but your GD doesn't know that.) It's not her fault but it's not yours either. You certainly don't have to cater to this in your home. I love the idea of getting her nails polished as a reward for good behavior - AS LONG AS you have the mom's permission 1st. (I have a feeling she'll be ok with it.) But please remember that if you do that, you'll have to reward your other GD for good behavior, too. In your effort to do more for your older GD, be careful not to "go the other way," and end up being unfair to the younger one! (But chances are you've already thought of that.) Please keep us posted as to what develops. But please also realize that this Discussion Board is being shut down August 1st. For that reason, you might want to go over to the Groups section and join either or both of the groups Simplyshy mentioned. There you can continue to interact with other GPs, etc and discuss these kinds of issues. Also, since you do a lot of "grandchildcare," I'd love to have you join my group, Grandparents Caring for Grandkids. There you will get to "meet"and "talk with" other GPs, etc. who help out with their grandkids a lot. And that includes others who have dealt with the situation of jealousy and rivalry for their attention, and so on. If you go to the word Groups (on the very top of this page, far right - next to the word Tools), and then click on the word Grandparenting, you'll find it. Hope to see you there!
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07/04/09 @ 10:19 PM
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P.S. You can find Simplyshy's group, Talking From The Heart, under "Love and Relationships" in that same list. You can find Dr. Georgia also under Grandparenting. Meanwhile, hope you're having a great July 4th! Fredigram (moderator, Grandparents Caring for Grandkids and The Family Storybook)
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07/04/09 @ 10:26 PM
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Fredi:
As always you are so organized and explain to our Grands where to find Talking From The Heart, I've got to remember that for this month at least. The only thing I can offer her
in any of this ,and its totally up to her is prayer. and if as I said its not her cup of tea then yours or Dr.GG is also good.You just have so many things going for you and one is enough for me , and yet thank goodness you bless our group with your presence and to that I am always thankful. Its alway a joy to see your reply, very informative and helpful. I hope that this wonderful Grand can see how we care about them and its not just a question we answer , and I know you agree with that .. its almost over but what is left of it have a safe 4th of July....... Simplyshy/Sandy
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Simplyshy
07/04/09 @ 11:11 PM
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I am in total agreement with Simplyshy and fredigram. One of the best things you can do for your granddaughters is to set the standard for their behavior in your home. The system described above where something is given for good behavior but taken away for bad is a very good way to show them just how far they can go before you take action.
One point I might add to that equation is, you might want to consider changing what you are rewarding them with from time to time. Simply because something new is going to appeal to them a lot more than getting the same old thing all the time.
And I have to tell you, you would be within your rights to put a stop to nasty behavior with those aforementioned time outs and lots of them if need be. And if the time out doesn't work, the goodies she earns is out the window!
I don't know if you ever watch the nanny shows such as "Super Nanny" (Jo Frost) or "Nanny 911" or not. But, you can glean a lot of ideas just from watching how they organize things.
Good luck with your little granddaughters. They really do need you in their lives and will learn consistency and kindness from you as well.
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KSMeMa
07/05/09 @ 12:19 AM
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Thank you all. I am disappointed that this group is going to be shut down, but I will most certainly get into one of the others. Lots cheaper than a psychologist. LOL
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Willow444
07/05/09 @ 12:23 AM
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Willow, please realize that you can actually join more than one group, if you'd like. @Simplyshy - Thanks for the compliments and "right back atchya!" @ All - Hope you had a great July 4th and continue to enjoy the holiday weekend!
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07/05/09 @ 05:32 AM
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I have an epologue to the problem we are having with my Granddaughter. I did make up the chart about "Listening At Grandma's". Sometimes she will, but I have come to realize she will do what she is asked to do when SHE wants to do it. Mom comes to pick her up and she climbs on the couch with shoes after Grandpa has asked nicely not to(not that it is a big deal) Mom says nothing. Grandpa takes her down and she climbs right back up. Clinging to and kissing mommny, knowing she will not disipline. This is her in control of the situation. Again this child is 5 and very smart. Yesterday she and her dad stopped over and I had broken a glass and was picking up the pieces. Told her not to touch-- she did right in front of dad-he made an attempt to tell her not to but still she persisted. The frustrating and maddening part of my discussion is that there was to be a special reward at the end of a few weeks with the listening chart. That was a trip to a nail salon for polish on nails and toe nails. Well, a call comes in yesterday before she and her dad came over and guess what. "Mommy took me for a pedicure" was the answer over the phone. I said well isn't that wonderful. I didn't have the heart to put my frustration on my son.....I know he must have felt weird. Just to show another side...she was excited and talking fast to me about finding a doll shoe upstairs in the bedroom. Just a small Barbie she that had gotten misplaced. She said it was just like the one she stole from her friend at Daycare. I said "Stole"? and she quickly changed it to found, but she knew she had made a boo-boo. I later sat down with her and talked about lying and telling fibs. I don't know what more to do and I am afraid this is going to get much bigger as she gets older.
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Willow444
07/19/09 @ 08:47 AM
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Maybe your grandaughter senses how much you dislike her mommy and acts up because of it.
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happymama2009
07/19/09 @ 12:55 PM
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Also, maybe your granddaughter notices how close you are to the other granddaughter and just wants attention. You did say you are closer to the one that lived with you and maybe you let her get away with more "naughtiness" than the granddaughter that didn't live with you. I say that because my MIL lets the grandchild that lived with her do things without consequences unlike my kids who always get called out on silly, minor things. Just a thought. Kids really do notice if you favor one over the other, even if you don't realize it. But if the grandchild is acting like that, it really could be because she had very little discipline.
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katycatkikimama
07/19/09 @ 03:04 PM
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I never give any sign of disliking the DIL, in fact we...my husband and I go out of our way to be friendly. I do know that way too much is said in front of GG#1 at home. As far as the disipline of the other GG#2, she really doesn't misbehave all that much and I see her giving in to GG#1 to keep the peace. It is difficult when the personalities are so different. I try to have "special" things for GG#1, but it never seems to be appreciated. I am not giving up on her. I want to love and be loved by both GGs. I will persevere.
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Willow444
07/19/09 @ 06:06 PM
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A 5 year old knows far more than you might think she does. You've said several ugly things about her mother in your post and it might be worth it to just examine the possibility that she is picking up on your feelings and also on your feelings of preferring her cousin.
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happymama2009
07/20/09 @ 10:55 AM
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