Grandparents walk a fine line when playing the developmental milestone game with the grandchildren. Overprotective can sometimes become overbearing when they continuously wonder aloud when the little guy will start to walk and talk.

But while it is important to recognize the signs of developmental delays in a child — and more on that in a moment — it’s equally important to make sure the adults don’t become fixated on the numbers.

“It often depends on the milestone you’re looking at,” says clinical psychologist Erik Fisher, Ph.D. “There are times to be concerned, yes. I mean, if a child is 2½ and hasn’t said a word, that’s a concern. But we know a lot more about milestones and how accurate they are than ever before, and that’s something people need to know.”

Dr. Fisher, who has been a featured guest on several network news segments, maintains a family practice in suburban Atlanta. His latest book, The Art of Empowered Parenting (Ovation Books), came out in October 2007. He says grandparents have a natural tendency to brag about their grandchildren, which can sometimes lead to a bit of embellishment and an instinct to parent from a distance.
But grandparents should realize that every child is different.

“One of the ways you might want to look at it is to ask the grandparents to remember when they were a parent,” Dr. Fisher says. “Their kids developed in their own way and own time. They should let their grandchildren do the same.” If not, he says, it can lead to problems.

“If they make their kids concerned, they’re going to add some stress there, which isn’t good for anybody,” Dr. Fisher says. “You don’t want the parents to feel inadequate and insecure about their parenting. Grandparents just need to give their kids the chance to parent.”

Dana Durbin, a New York City-based licensed marriage and family therapist, agrees. “This is a boundary issue,” she says, “and it abounds in a lot of different areas. Parents can feel a little uncomfortable if the grandparents are over-involved. Then there’s a feeling of intrusion or inadequacy.”

That said, grandparents — especially those who spend a great deal of time with their grandchildren — do play a role in helping to identify developmental delays. In that case, Dr. Fisher says, “Grandparents can just say, ‘Hey, I’ve been doing some observing and I did some research, and this is what I found.’ ”

Developmental delays occur when a child does not reach developmental language, motor, social, or thinking milestones at an expected time. While a developmental delay is diagnosed by a doctor based on guidelines from the American Academy of Pediatrics, a parent or grandparent is likely to be the first to notice. Click here for the Academy's full description of developmental stages from the age of 1 month to 21 years.

“Developmental specialists can specify windows of time,” Durbin cautions. “Nailing down a specific age and moment when a child should achieve something is not right. It’s different for every child, and if there are concerns, the parent should take those concerns to the pediatrician.”