How to Manage Kids' Expectations — In an Age of Entitlement

Experts confirm it: Kids today are more entitled than ever. Here's how to manage their expectations and keep kids on track.

By Caila Ball

Between keeping bosses, clients, and even spouses and family happy, managing expectations is not a new skill for people with grandchildren. The new group that needs its expectations put in check, however, is children! “Entitlement with kids is a huge issue now," says Jeannie Bertoli, Ph.D., Relationship Expert and Counselor.

Most of you already know that squelching expectations for material things is a grandparent’s best move to help manage a child’s entitlement. But when it comes to entitlements about say, staying up late or being the center of attention, supporting kids' expectations—and even relaxing your enforcement of minor rules—can help kids and parents, alike. Read on to learn what the experts have to say about approaching these different “great expectations.”

Grandkids say: “…but Khloe Kardashian has a Range Rover!”

When keeping up with the Joneses turns into Keeping up with the Kardashians, expectations can become extravagant. The hours spent in front of the television, computer, phone or tablet, otherwise known as “screen time,” is in an upswing. According to the Kaiser foundation, children ages 8-18 spend an average of 7.5 hours of screen time per day on entertainment media, between television, video games and surfing the internet. That’s about half the time they are awake! “Kids want what they see,” says Dr. Bertoli, and the excess they see in the media is magnified by this increased screen time.

Your strategy: “You can’t shut down the media,” says Dr. Bertoli, but setting limits on kids’ screen time helps. She recommends that parents try a household media ban one day each week, or one week each quarter. Grandparents can join in the shutdown efforts by planning “screen-free” activities for grandkids when they visit.

Grandkids say: “…but my friend has a Range Rover!”

Even with the television shut off, children still want what others have, Dr. Bertoli notes, adding that what they see from their peer groups is an even stronger motivation for entitlement than the media. Indeed, according to Forbes, kids of all ages are heavily influenced on their purchase desires by their peers, specifically with regards to smartphones, cars, Apple products, cigarettes, and alcohol.*

Your strategy: Sometimes, the luxury products that your grandkids' friends have fall out of budget—or are simply above what you and their parents are comfortable giving. When a coveted iPhone is not in the cards, work with parents to communicate the “ancient lesson that we all have different things,” says Dr. Bertoli. In other words, “keeping up with the Joneses” is not a purchase justification. Alternatively, you can make the high-value product something that a child must earn. “Show them that we volunteer, or we save money for it,” says Dr. Bertoli.

Grandkids say: “…but I need it!

Love spoiling your grandchildren with presents? You’re not alone. The AARP reports that 57% of grandparents believe it’s their role to “spoil” their grandchildren with too many gifts and 25% of grandparents spend over $1,000 each year on their grandchildren! Spending this cash can be done without spoiling children, says Dr. Bertoli, and without grandkids confusing you with a “money tree.”

Your strategy: If you're in a position to give a gift to your grandchildren that their parents cannot afford, work with the parents to make these gifts unexpected treats, and not just fulfillments of children’s request. “Emphasize the grandparents’ role in the gift, and how special it is that they are able to do these things for [their grandchildren],” says Dr. Bertoli. Modeling the joy of generosity promotes that value in children. “What a beautiful message you can create together,” she adds.

Grandkids say: “…but I’m old enough to stay up until midnight!”

Whether you care for your grandchildren full time, or take charge of them for a weekend visit, be mindful that kids are always ready to test discipline limits. When rule enforcement arises during a heated or exhausted moment, it's tempting to give in, Dr. Bertoli says, which reinforces the expectation that the child is in control. “Commit to being aware that children are increasingly holding you hostage.” Beware of this Stockholm Syndrome! 

Your strategy: Dr. Bertoli recommends that parents and other guardians write down house rules, so they are clear when conflicts arise. Non-guardian grandparents, however, can rejoice to learn that with the exception of health- or values-based mandates (think sugar bans and cursing), relaxing rules during the kids’ visits won't disrupt parents’ discipline efforts. “Children understand that they can ‘get away’ with different things at different houses,” says Dr. Bertoli, so in her opinion, letting your grandson stay up late with his grandpa is harmless!

Grandkids say: “…but all of my friends’ parents are there!”

Young children often demand family attention, and expect their parents to be at soccer games, plays and recitals when their peers’ parents are there. “Kids just don’t want to be different,” says Dr. Bertoli.

Your strategy: Instead of squelching your grandchild’s expectation that their parents will always show up to events, you can show them that other members of the family are there to support them, too, by attending important events when parents can't make it. “This is a great place where grandparents can step in to help, especially with single parents,” says Dr. Bertoli. Parents can still be part of the moment by setting up an alternative celebration, such as a “win-or-lose” dinner to talk about all of the details of the game, she adds.

Comments

Entitlement is a big one. I deal with this issue on a daily basis. I am raising my grandchildren. The older one is constantly taking the younger ones toys. I take them away from both children. This helps for them to see that sharing is caring and that if things are not shared then they belong to grandma. They eventually get the idea that if they can't learn to share then all the toys belong to grandma and they have to ask to play with them. Which then there is a discussion about sharing and playing together.

tonimtz on 2014-06-16 08:44:41

My oldest granddaughter will be 5 in June. The younger turned 4 on December 30th. The older one always has to have the best of all the toys. She cannot share blocks with the younger one. Very seldom do they play anything together.
One day I witnessed the older one stand in front of the younger one, crying her eyes out because the younger one had told her no, she couldn't have one of her toys. The older one was saying, "How can you say no to someone who is standing here in front of your face crying their heart out and you are saying NO?" I got between them and tried to stop them.
The older one turned her back to me, like I wasn't there, and kept talking to her sister! The sister looked like she had done something wrong, looked at the toy, and handed it to the sister.
The older sister thanked the younger sister and walked off, dry eyed. She didn't ask the younger one to play.
I told the younger one that she didn't have to give the older one that toy. She shrugged her shoulder and said, "Lilly wanted it." I told her I would get it back for her and started into the living room to get it. She shouted, NO!
That's where it ended.
Can you tell me how I could have handled that better? Almost all of the stuffed toys that started out being divided between the girls are all the older girls' now. The part that is understandable about this is that the younger one is rough with them and some are old. I have had to repair toys that belong to both of them.

Grammie52 on 2014-02-18 11:19:21

Ahhh... "entitled grandkids!" We have a conversation about this very topic in the Community in Grandparents Caring for Grandkids! If you'd like to see it or just check out this forum, just go to http://community.grandparents.com/index.php/forum-15-grandparents-caring-for-grandkids. Many of the posters who frequent the group are the regular caregivers for their grandchildren (or other relative kids) or are even raising or helping to raise them. But former and soon-to-be such caregivers participate, too, as well as a few young parents and others.

One thing I've learned in the Community, in general, is that some parents limit the number, size or expense of gifts GPs (and others) can give their kids. Often, this is part of the very effort discussed, above, to prevent/control any sense of entitlement on the part of the kids.

Which reminds me that, while I appreciate Dr. Bertoli's view that kids can come to understand that there are different rules at different houses, another thing I've discovered in the Community is that some parents are more tolerant of GPs letting kids stay up late, etc. than others. So I think we each have to adapt this advice to our own situation.

Overall, I think this is a great article! Thank you GP.com and Caila Ball!

P.S. If you (general) would like to come and check out the Community, just click on the word "Community" at the very top or bottom of this page or go to http://comunity.grandparents.com

rosered135 on 2014-02-03 10:55:53

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