Gail Saltz Q&A: "I Heard My 14-yr-old Granddaughter Talking About Having Sex. Should I Confront Her?"
Gail Saltz, M.D., addresses the topic of how to address the birds and the bees with teenage grandkids.
Reader Question: "I overheard my 14-year-old granddaughter talking about having sex with her boyfriend. Should I confront her? Tell my daughter-in-law? Do nothing? I think it might already have happened."
Gail says: Your granddaughter is having sex, yikes! Fourteen is quite young for having sex, in my opinion too young, which means that she is both emotionally and physically vulnerable to getting hurt.
This is your opportunity to connect with her and protect as her grandmother. Take her aside and tell her you think she may be sexually active and that you would like to be able to talk to her in the way you wish your mother or grandmother had talked to you (which they probably did not given how uncomfortable previous generations have been about sexual education).
Tell her about STDs and condom use and about preventing pregnancy, because she has the potential for a wonderfully successful life that could be undone by a pregnancy as a teen. Also tell her that women often feel much more emotionally vulnerable once they get sexually involved than their male counterparts do.
Do all this as the wise, experienced, and loving grandma you are, while avoiding judgments. Your openness will allow her to come back to you, if she has questions or concerns. You have a chance to make a real and vital difference in her life here.
If you believe, as I do, that she is really still a child and that she should not be in a sexual relationship yet, you can tell her that, too, but remind her that you love her and will be there for her either way. Because you are not her parent, you may be able to get through to her in a way her mother might not. It is most certainly worth a try.
Have a question for Gail? Email us at expertadvice@grandparents.com
Psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, columnist, bestselling author, and television commentator Gail Saltz, M.D., has been called "a voice of wisdom and insight in a world of confusion and contradictions" by Tom Brokaw. Dr. Saltz is a regular health, sex, and relationship contributor to the Today show.
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Comments
As a woman and a mother I think this is terrible advice. I would have been absolutely horrified if one of my grandparents had tried to discuss sex with me. It is a parents' job to have such an important discussion with their child, not the grandparents. I would be furious if my parents or in-laws decided to have this discussion with my child. The first thing the grandparent should do if they overhear their grandchild is contemplating sexual activity is to tell the parents.
Totally agree again Rose and I took it a step further. I asked my 14 year old DD - I read her the question and the advice and put the question to her. I wish you could have seen her face. In all seriousness - I didn't do it in a joking manner. I did it very seriously and asked her how she would feel in that situation. She said, "well first of all - holy crap! I hope she's on birth control! That's just plain stupid otherwise!" But then she sat down beside of me and said 'Ok so you're serious. I would absolutely die if Grandma M came to me and said anything about sex!" (This is the grandmother she has a great relationship with - my DH's mother passed away last year) "I love her and all - but that's stuff for you and me to talk about - I don't want to talk about that stuff with her." She proceeded to say - in the way only a teenager can - that she didn't think it was ok to skip the mom or dad either. I didn't say one word to lead her - I just read the question and answer (not our comments) and asked her opinion. I literally didn't say ANYTHING at all while I let her talk. She said she didn't think it would be ok for grandparents to leave the parents out of that discussion -that they should tell the kid to talk to their parents. She said that she thought it makes it harder on the parents and the kid to have a good relationship if there is someone else trying to get in the middle of it. She also said if mom and dad are too embarrassed to have a conversation about sex with their own kids it's time for mom and dad to grow up because they can be putting their kids lives at stake if they don't. (these are all her words - not mine).
Frankly - we've been talking to our girls about sex in some form (their bodies, appropriate kinds of touching, changing hormones, etc) age appropriately since they could talk. Schools today start basic sex education (all about their bodies) in around the 4th grade and progress from their so that by the 7th grade at least in our area it's co-ed fairly in-depth information. Kids hear stuff on the school bus in elementary school. A 14 year old talking about having sex is TERRIFYING and mom and dad need to be involved and figuring out how to protect her YESTERDAY. The time for kid gloves is way in the past by that point unfortunately. Mom needs to be talking to her DD and if she's sexually active she needs to be headed to the doctor to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases and she needs to know how to protect herself.
Of course - ALL of this is under "normal" circumstances. There are "exceptions" but outside of those exceptions I think that a grandparent stepping in to offer this type of advice without first discussing it with the child's parent is a recipe for disaster!
Well, you know, Blue, I was thinking this over and I realized that there are some cases where the girl might be afraid to or uncomfortable about talking to her mom. So that maybe i should have said, as you did, that the grandmother needs, most of all, to try to encourage her to talk to her mother. (Of course, I realize there are situations where the girl has real reason to be afraid which, of course, may be somewhat different.)
Then again, I'm thinking that, in many instances, the girl and her mom have already been talking about sex, in one aspect or another, for a few years. And that,depending on where they live or whether she's still in middle school/jr high or high school, the girl may already know about condoms and have them available at school (whether she would seek them out there or not). I'm not saying that means she knows it all - far from it - but Gramma might find herself getting a lot of "I knows" and eye rolls that she's not prepared for... Food for thought...
I've got to agree with Rose here - first - that I can only imagine how mortified I would have been if my grandmother had started this conversation with me. I had a much more open relationship with my mom regarding topics like sex than I ever did with my grandmother. And as a parent - I have a very open relationship with my daughters regarding topics like this and we've been talking about these things since they were very small (as appropriate for their ages) and I now have a fourteen year old DD.(as well as a 12 year old DD) I would be very upset if my mother bypassed me altogether and had this conversation with her without my knowledge - and I have a wonderful relationship with my mom and my DDs have a wonderful relationship with her. This is a topic I prefer to discuss with my children myself. While I think the intentions are good here - I think I would rather see a grandmother encourage her grandchild to talk to their parents first. My mother was very open when she discussed these things with me - but she has even said to me that she would freak out completely if she had to have the same conversations with my daughters because to her they are her "grandBABIES" and its even more difficult to think of them as growing up. I watch them grow up every single day and I know what they are doing and I know where they are in their lives. I have my eyes wide open and I'm in the trenches with them. We literally talk about this kind of thing every day. My mom talks to them once a month maybe.
And again, what..if as Rose mentioned - the grandmother's values are different from the mother and father's values? I think it is important for the grandmother to involve the child's parents unless there are no parents to involve - in the case where the grandparents are raising their grandchildren. I don't think bypassing the parents is a good idea at all.