Nursery Rhymes Just for Grandparents

Admit it. Sometimes we just don't want to sing yet another cloying ditty. Here are a few that shed new light on grandparenting.

By Lenore Skenazy

HUSH LITTLE BABY WITH A VEGAN NUT-JOB MOM

Hush little baby, don’t say a word
Grandma’s gonna buy you organic bean curd
And if your mom says that’s not healthy enough,
Grandma’s gonna buy you some bread that’s rough
And if that five-grain bread tastes awful,
Grandma’s gonna buy you a wheatberry waffle
And if that waffle fails to cheer you up,
Grandma’s gonna buy you some unfiltered molasses syrup
And if that sticky stuff makes you gag,
Grandma’s gonna buy you some beets in a bag
And if those beets taste like wet, moldy felt,
Grandma’s gonna buy you some cereal made of spelt
And if that spelt makes your tongue puff up,
Grandma’s gonna buy you a soy shake in a cup
And if that soy isn’t locally grown,
Grandma’s gonna say to hell with it and make you a REAL cake of her own

WHY I LOVE GRANDPA

(Sung to “The Alphabet Song”)

A, B, C, D, E, F, G
Grandpa lets me watch TV
CBS and NBC
NFL on HDTV
I also like TLC
But that’s when Grandpa snores near me

MICHAEL, WATCH OUT!
(Sung to “Michael Row the Boat Ashore”)

Michael float your boat near shore,
Hallelujah
I will hover ‘til you’re 44
Hallelujah
Swimming pool is deep and wide
Hallelujah
Teenage lifeguard preoccupied
Hallelujah
Eat a snack of chicken breast
Hallelujah
Wait an hour, so you’ll digest
Hallelujah
Michael, don’t sit in the sun
Hallelujah
Your parents get you back when the day is done
Hallelujah

THE BALLET RECITAL
(Sung to “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star”)

Twinkle, twinkle little toes
Grandfolks go to ballet shows
See the fairies leap with glee
See yours leap into a tree
“Don’t cry, sweetheart. You were great!”
Same thing next year. I can’t wait.

SHE’LL BE COUNTIN’ WHEN SHE COMES
(Sung to “She’ll Be Comin’ ’Round the Mountain”)

Mom’ll be bragging ‘bout her countin’ when she comes
Mom’ll be bragging ‘bout her countin’ when she comes
She’ll say, “Who’s got brains like Suzie’s?
She can count to 10 by twosies!”
She’ll be bragging ‘bout her countin’ when she comes.

Oh, we’ll all come out to see her when she counts
Oh, we’ll all come out to see her when she counts
She’ll say, “14, 15, 18”
I’m sure M.I.T.’s awaitin’
Oh, we’ll all sit there and watch her when she counts.

Then we’ll all sit ’round and watch her when she draws
Then we’ll all sit ’round and watch her when she eats
We’ll watch her take a nap
She’s our granddaughter, and we’ll clap (quietly)
Then we’ll brag about it to our other grandparent friends.

ROCK ON, BABE!
(Sung to “Rock-a-Bye Baby”)

Rock and roll baby,
See how you bop
I put on J. Hendrix, you say, “Don’t thop.”
When Mozart goes on
It helps you in school
But “Purple Haze” Grandma
Makes you more cool.

KEEPING IN TOUCH
(Sung to “Hickory, Dickory Dock”)

Hickory, dickory dock
A mouse is how we talk.
I e-mail, “Hello!”
My grandson types, “Yo!”
I’m glad I bought Microsoft stock.

THE OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE WITHOUT VIDEOGAMES

There was an old lady who lived in a shoe
She had so many videogame-obsessed grandkids, she didn’t know what to do
She fed them and read them “Tom Sawyer” each night
They put down their GameCubes and listened.
(Yeah, right.)

THE FAMILY TRIP TO ITALY

Little Miss Muffet wrote Warren Buffett
And asked for his stock picks one day.
He said, “Use your noodle.” She did and bought Google,
Which paid for our cruise to Pompeii.

PETER, PETER, PICKY EATER

Peter, Peter, picky eater
Every night it’s dinner theater
Only will eat cookie dough
Because his parents won’t say no.

MARY’S FAVORITE STUFFED ANIMAL

Mary had a little lamb
From washing she withheld it
And everywhere that Mary went
You’d know, because you smelled it.

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